ces, yes, today is a day off but I'm going to do 4 hours at my second job. Then I'm off on Thurs. My schedule is different every week.
I'm confused and I warn you I'm tired. My lizard brain comes out to play when I'm tired and wreaks havoc on my psyche.
This is the 6th week of, by my choice, having no contact with H.
Back Story: Both Sons are on H's insurance (it's an HSA), it's always been that way. S22 uses benefits hardly ever. S19 has need to use it more as he has a chronic condition and he's been dealing with depression. He has a history of dep but it was exacerbated by the Sep last Feb and then S22 moving to go to school in Aug. So he's had a few extra visits for that reason. He's also on meds.
He was due for a Rx refill and needed the insurance card to pick it up. H has said for months that he would get S19 his own card but, it hasn't happened yet. So S19 called him yesterday and asked for the card and apparently H was unhappy that he had to drive here and drop the card off. The car S19 drives is currently out of commission, and I was at work.
H lives about 5 miles from the house! Come on, this is your kid! Apparently when he got here he almost literally "dropped" the card off. Did not get out and spend any time with S19, didn't offer to go hang out for a while. They've seen each other once in the past 4-5 weeks. I've suspected for a while that there's more discord between them because there haven't been as many visits as previously.
S19 was pretty down when I got home last night and I tried too hard to make it better. He wouldn't tell me exactly what the conversation was because he's very private about that R but he did say he was tired of taking other people's sh!t. He did say that he thought H didn't like to come here. I asked: "He knew I was at work, right?" "Yes."
So, put your big boy pants on H and help your son out! H is with them as he was with me: everything's OK, everything's OK, everything's OK, WHAM! It's NOT okay.
I'm trying not to read anything into all this because I don't know the whole story. All I know is I saw my kid in pain last night and that hurts but he's becoming an adult and he can and needs to deal with that. His relationship with his father is between the 2 of them.
Also, this hasn't bothered me as much as it would have a few months ago. I can't make H a different person or solve whatever his issue is, I can't fix the R between S and H.
Comments, observations, advice?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Sorry bugsy! You're right to be upset, and also right about leaving it up to S19 and H to figure out their R.
Kids should never have to fight for their parent's love.
Has S19 ever expressed to your H about how he feels? Sometimes the WAS needs to hear it from the kids to realize how much they're hurting them.
In my sitch, if I tell H what S4 sometimes says, H can get defensive and very immature, often voicing his feelings first. But I think it hits him when S4 says it directly to him. Like yesterday, we were all driving in the car, and out of the blue S4 says to H "Daddy, you don't love me anymore."
It's true that they have to work it out on their own, but I don't think it's wrong to suggest to S19 to express how he feels to his dad. What happens after that is up to them.
NH, I did tell S that he should let H know how he feels. Thanks for suggesting that. Here's the interesting thing, they are very much alike and I only realized that after H left. S19 has a difficult time expressing his emotions, in fact he wants to deny them.
It's all so complicated. Good thing my IC appt is today.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
All I know is I saw my kid in pain last night and that hurts but he's becoming an adult and he can and needs to deal with that. His relationship with his father is between the 2 of them.
I think that this ^^^^ is the most healthy way to look at things. At some point your son needs to step into the role of an adult and try to work the relationship with your H. It is not something you can influence, one way or the other. You can maybe dispense wisdom if your S asks for it but in the end you are probably best served by staying above thew fray.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thanks everyone for the support. It really does help.
2-yes, I need to let them come to terms with things and figure it out. They both stuff their feelings, especially anger. Hopefully they can each grow through this experience.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
