25, thank you so much for keeping with me and not giving up on me, even when I don't make much sense!
Great advice on envisioning who I would like to be and gauging decisions against that "person." I will start writing/thinking about who I want to be.
You had mentioned Retrovaille, and they have a couple weekends that would work as far as logistics, but I just feel so far from being able to ask something like that of W. Seems like a piecing-stage thing. Piecing stage, wonder if I'll ever see that?
Two comments about this^^^... 1) you may be able to persuade your w to go for the kid's sake AND to learn to communicate better; but get her there.
2) Retrovaille is NOT for piecing stages only. (Going anytime would be good, frankly) but
we saw several couples at Retrovaille who were planning to split up, or were seriously thinking about it. It's FOR couples in crisis.
You may be confusing it with "marriage encounters," which are for marriages not in crisis but looking for a "tune up".
Retrovaille is for couples who think they want to throw in the towel OR who want an engine overhaul but lack the tools...and feel hopeless.
Do not delay going if you can get there. It's not offered more than twice a year here, btw. So, take advantage if you can.
But make no mistake, the ONE weekend is a jump start -a good one- but there's a follow up program and support group to keep the changes going,
and to learn new ways of handling problems. DO THE FOLLOW UP...I cannot stress that enough.
Some couples find the old spark at the weekend retreat, and figure they're fine now... but then they backslide and give up. So stay with what works.
That's why the program has the success rate it has. It's not a one weekend fix all, but it sure does get things going.
No matter how you get her there, it's impossible for her Not to get something out of it.
A lot of the couples had one spouse intent on divorcing, but willing to go to Retrovaille, to check it off their list...they may have hoped it could help smooth things out for the divorce by "getting along" at the weekend...
but many of those very spouses were surprised to feel differently on Sunday night. They found that Retrovaille SLOWED their divorce plan down, got them to re-evaluate, and frequently stopped them in their tracks. Do not put it off
or wait for things to improve OR deteriorate to do Retrovaille. THIS is a step to get you to piecing...
I could be wrong but Something tells me you are a bit too passive in this regard. You don't put in the work or take the iniative to improve things and don't want to confront if it's difficult or emotionally charged (the porn may be symptomatic of that too??)...
rather than solving the problem when she's upset, you'd "wait for her to cool down" instead of going after her to apologize, or to make your case.
While that APPEARS to be the easiery way out of conflict - it resolves nothing and almost always worsens things in the long run..seething resentments you may not be aware of, or repeated woundings at being rejected, which I suspect the porn felt like, to her.
Regardless of that issue, in the long run, "conflict avoidance" is NOT easier on anyone. I wish more people realized this, sooner. It means that you don't know how to solve tough problems together. That's such a huge life skill all couples need, to be a team.
You don't have to agree, but do you get what I am saying?
W is now bringing the kids back three days late so that she can feed a dog for her sister. And now she doesn't want to get an apartment here because it would cost too much. Keeping me on my toes, at least.
I will post more later--
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
