Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

I saw a lot of my kids this week. I love it but it makes me feel anxious. I don't feel W pushing me away right now, but I don't want to leave her any excuses to feel that I'm not giving her enough space or reasons that she needs to move out.

My S6 had an sort of... This is not a big deal, but it was like a little stroke. He lost the ability to speak for a little while. Doctors have checked him out and said that sometimes this thing can happen, never happen again, and it's no big deal. That night, W and I were freaked out, though, fearing the worst.

She called me over to spend the night when it happened. She called me in the middle of the workday for emotional support.

I'm seeing signs stacking up that are making me feel hopeful. I can rest with a lot less anxiety if I know that W and I have some time to work through this separation and she doesn't feel pressured to take some more drastic step.

Here is one sign: I messed up and she didn't eat me alive. I was about the leave the house to get some coffee because I had a pretty bad caffeine headache. W got home with D3 who needed a nap and was immediately leaving with D15. Now I couldn't leave the house.

I was afraid to ask her for what I wanted directly: "please allow me to get a cup of coffee or stop for a cup of coffee for me." I acted out a series of behaviors like those found in "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Instead I made a weak statement about how I was about to get a coffee and it sure would be nice if she got one for me instead. Obviously, she declined my invitation. Then I got resentful and thought about all the favors I've done for her and was angry with her that she couldn't do one little thing for me.

And even more resentful because I knew that I couldn't complain because she's the WAS and I can't ask anything from her.

I wrestled with my phone for about 10 minutes to try to send a text that wasn't stupid and somehow told her how I felt. Finally, I sent this:[quote]I have a terrible caffeine headache. I was literally about to leave the house when you got here. You make me feel like a monster.[quote]
Clearly, I failed. It was a stupid text that really did little to express how I was actually feeling.

She replied, basically, wtf, texts like this make me want to ignore your texts. You didn't tell me you were sick and I(W) was trying to get shopping done so you can make dinner. Also, you may feel like a monster, but I didn't MAKE you feel like a monster.

I told her to ignore my cranky text, that I regretted sending it, and that I wasn't clear from the beginning, so it was my fault. Also, thanks for getting groceries.


So, a month or two ago, W might have ignored the stupid text that I should have known better than to have sent. But she didn't. She took the time to articulate her own feelings. I wish I hadn't tested her this way, but I feel like this is a good indication that we are communicating better in general or that at least she feels more comfortable expressing herself.

Then we had dinner. I made tilapia with roasted potatoes and lemon garlic asparagus. She liked it. She did ask me Friday why I was making chicken Marsala. Then she accused me. "Are you making it because it's my favorite thing to eat?" She had an appointment and did not join us for dinner Friday, but did pull the leftovers out of the fridge when she got home and had a full serving.

When W replied to my hurt text, she kindly suggested I try some tea for the caffeine. When she got home from grocery store, I had already ingested raw coffee grounds because it was that bad, but she brought home a new coffee press and some fresh coffee beans.

She doesn't drink coffee.