Navy I thought folks were calling me hard headed. You seriously need to demand she respect you like Starsky said its not something you can gradually ease into. It starts now.
If you must pick one or two things each week she does and put a stop to them. Better yet, next time she flies off the handle put a stop to it.
IMHO the day you make your breakthrough is the day when she goes off on a rage, and you open the door for her to walk out on. It will be an ugly, sad day.
I still remember when that day came for me. It was like the bomb all over again, but this time I pulled the trigger. We were both emotionally drained by the time it was over. I seriously thought for 3 days she really was going to leave.
Come to think of it, those days were worse than the bomb. At least I had some hope after the bomb.
The point of this is to completely free your W of the bonds she perceives you have on her. So that if she does stay then it's totally by choice.
It really is the only way.
This is how I think it should go:
*w unfairly snaps at you
Navy: I don't like what you just did, please don't do that again.
Mrs Navy: I'll do what I want/you can't tell me what to do/you're a jerk
Navy: a married couple should not treat each other like this
Mrs Navy: then I don't want to stay married/I'm leaving
Navy: I care about you, but if you'd rather leave than have a good marriage it's your choice.
*Mrs Navy becomes increasingly belligerent
*Navy: sticks to his guns, maybe creates some space between the two.
*Mrs Navy stomps out the door, or finds some space away from navy to think
*navy suffers because of uncertainty (sorry bud it's just how it goes)
*mrs navy finally makes her decision
*both move on either together or apart
OR
You could just keep walking on eggshells for the rest of your life.
