am i better off without him?

[scaredsilly]

really suffering today. it's as if the bomb was dropped a second time. i've been physically separated from H for 7 weeks while he worked out of town. he came home on friday night. he went straight into the guest room to bed (he had played golf all day and had some drinks). it was only 8:30 so i went in and asked if he was going to bed so soon. one thing led to another i became upset that his mother had been the one to help him move back. ( i know i was wrong to show irritation but i had a few glasses of wine-no excuse). we did have sex...?

the next morning, i told him that i had been thinking it over a lot and agree that we can't be together. it was as if a load had been lifted from his shoulders. we talked for hours. we talked about all the problems we've had together and how we could have done better. HOWEVER, he still wants a divorce. he cried all day yesterday and all day, off and on today. i don't understand this. he says he's crying because of all the bad memories but he now hugs me and tells me he loves me and that i'm a fine person??

he's going to stay at his mother's house because he says it's too hard to stay here with me. he says he cries too much when he's with me. until i said i agreed with the divorce, he was only angry and would never initiate physical contact. now he hugs me when i cry, tells me he loves me, even KISSED (briefly) when we hugged.

and yet, he talks about getting an appraiser to the house so we can find out how much he will have to give me for my share and using the kelly blue book for the boat value. each time he talks about the divorce and separating our belongings, it hurts so much, especially, since now he is being so kind, caring, and almost loving again! is he just so grateful that i'm agreeing to get out of his life? it's killing me to have the best of him and the worst of this nightmare together.

when he's not around, i can almost believe i will be ok and better off without him but it's painful. he wants to take me to dinner on wednesday night...

i tried being pleasant but otherwise detached and that does not work with him. he says that me being vulnerable is what gets his heart. i have been so tough and distance with him the last few years because of having to live with his adult children, i think he's looking for a softer side of me but still telling me that it's too late.

i'm so sad right now. i will have to leave my home and move. i advised him today that even though i'm agreeing to this, i will not handle any of the details. he wants to try to use a divorce mediator instead of attorneys to save money. he says i can have anything i want in the house. i told him i will be fair but not generous since i'm retired and will need to sell anything i can't use to fund my life.

one thing he did say was when i advised him about splitting his pension. he said he had not thought about that. i told him that i think he's in for a shock as to how much he will have to give me. he will have to take out a mortgage on our primary home to pay me off. he doesn't have that now. he will have to sell three rental properties, one of his two boats, and pay me for an SUV we have to tow the boat and an enclosed trailer that he will need to keep. he said, he had been thinking about that some but how much did i think it would be since, "as they say, it's cheaper to keep her".

WTF?? any ideas on what's going on here? i'm so confused and lost. i sometimes think he just wants to get on with the wonderful life of living by himself and doing whatever he wants to do.