hrm, I've been following your thread this morning and would like to offer up some advice, if you are open to it.
Your comments to your h may not have been come across to you as arguing, but to your h, your comments came across as judgemental and arguing. While they are in crisis, everything they hear from us is judgemental and arguments. We are "pointing" fingers are their wrongdoing and to them we are not taking them seriously, thus treating them as children. They regressed back to childhood and we are now the "parents" to their child personalities.
Your h is on the crazy train bound for hell and back and you do not want to be a passenger on it. The comments he's making to you are projections of what is going on in his past life and also some of the current. How he feels and sees things right now are his to own. You know what you had in the way of a relationship w/him during the time you have been married.
When a person is in mlc, counseling will serve no good for him or the relationship. Some will go just to get us off their backs, but in all honesty, if he goes, he will filter what he hears and turn it around to justify his behavior and leaving. The only time that counseling will work is once the dark, deep depression has been completed and from the sounds of things, your h is very much in replay.
My advice is to listen and when the conversations w/him get to the point of him projecting, cut the conversations short and tell him you have something to do. You do not need to listen to all of his projectiions. If you do, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then walk away. You are going to find that when he wants something, he will be nice, just as long as he can get whatever it is he wants. When you say no, be prepared for angry spew and sulking, or maybe even a disappearance to two. Don't worry, he'll be back around again. You never lose them for very long, i.e., they are like a misbehaving child who wants your attention, not matter whether it is positive on negative. Keep your expectations at zero at all times, because he is not the person you knew, in fact, he's not even your friend right now.
All financial transactions as now perceived as business...try to keep your personal feelings out of them so that you can think positive and straight. You will need to put on your business hat for the negotiations.
One last thing...and many of us have tried this, so I know it doesn't work...don't try to convince him that running away will not help him. Unfortunately, he emotionally left the relationship months or even a year or so ago and that's why it's easier for him to walk away and do the things he's doing. The loving feelings he had for you are stuffed way, way down and are covered over w/childhood trauma issues right now.
Hrm, live your life as if he's not coming back. Take care of yourself the best way you can. Watch your financials! Allow God to work on your husband. He is the only one that help him now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
