BklynMom, I'm very new to this, so I don't really have much advice. I also haven't read all your posts, sorry.
Anyway, I just got a book called "The Solo Spouse" by Deluca (got it at amazon), and it's so good. It was recommended to me here on the board. It has a chapter about Pursuers and Distancers (most women, the author explains, are Pursuers) and the only thing to do in order to "reach" a Distancer (most often the man in the R) is to stop the pursuit. Completely. If your H is a Distancer: Don't ask him for advice (or give advice), don't seek his emotional support, don't look to him as someone to talk to. Stop all of that and/or do as little as possible with the goal of doing absolutely nothing. Again, this is from this book.
To me, this specific chapter has been such an eye-opener. I find that with my MLC spouse (who left mid-February and with whom I have a S4) it has changed the dynamics of our R. The less I do, the more he is forced to do. Perhaps this helps, it has helped me enormously to see how my ways of trying to solve things in the past have been absolutely useless.
BTW, I used to be a Brooklyn Mom too! Love Brooklyn!
