What I'm saying is, figure out what *you* want. When you thought H was firmly back you had a huge backlash of not wanting him anymore.
Accuray
I think my backlash thoughts were coming from a place of being scared and angry. I thought he wasn't changing and didn't really want anything that he had said to me the night I found out about the PA. I was feeling like, well, fine, I'll show him!! I'm telling you... I have major emotional ups and downs. However, I am suppressing them so much more from him than I ever had before.
So my answer is, yes, I do want my H in my life. I want us to be healthy again. I don't want to know that we both walked away knowing that there was a chance to make something more of it. It is very much for the sake of my kids but it is mostly for the sake of fully forgiving one another and learning to really love again. I want that deep kind of love that I feel for him to be reciprocated. Which would only deepen the love that I feel to a new level.
And, yes, I want to better myself. I was truly getting this. I was on top of things. I was healthy in mind, body, and spirit. His second BOMB nearly killed me though. And I'm not kidding. I have not been so skinny in my entire life. I stand in the mirror and I am completely withering away... just skin and bones. (I am already skinny as it is, so to add this trauma is insane.)
It takes everything I have to eat and my energy level is still very low. Just a couple weeks ago, I was running and working out. I literally am starting from ROCK BOTTOM again. It so overwhelming and frustrating that I had come so far and now my mind is all messed up again.
I'm going to dinner tonight with my best friend. Glad to have something to do.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
