Needing some guidance...

[Accuray]

jks,

You're in so much pain, I feel so badly, I wish I could help more. You're doing fine, so don't take my comments to mean that you blew it or you *should* do better, they are just suggestions meant to help.

When you saw H at the park, I would not head right over to give him a big hug -- let him find you and hug you. You need to let him lead you know? You can reciprocate, but don't initiate anything and don't escalate. If he hugs you, hug him back, but don't kiss him or say "ILY". Let him lead 100%. You'll be scared that if you don't initiate, nothing will happen. It will if you're very patient. You really do need to lay off the pursuit, not only when you're apart, but also when you're together. Let him come to you.

So are you saying that I should quit asking him why he wants to work things out with me and if he decides he wants to, then just jump in and start? Stop the questions... and just do it??

What I'm saying is, figure out what *you* want. When you thought H was firmly back you had a huge backlash of not wanting him anymore. Spend some time really thinking about what you want. If he does not embrace your religion ever again, if he never apologizes to the degree you would like, would those things be OK with you? Figure out what you want. There is no wrong answer. You need to separate this from what you think your parents want, what you think your kids want, and what you think your H wants. What do YOU and you alone want for your future?

If you decide that you would like a future with H without conditions, meaning you will accept him for who he is without changing, then let that decision guide your actions. If you want him back, but you have some boundaries that he must respect, then let that guide your actions, but be fully prepared to walk if he does not respect them.

H CANNOT reassure you that he will not hurt you again. There's nothing he could do or say *right now* that would be enough. You might think there is, but when you get it, you'll want different or more because you just need time to heal. The fact that he left made you doubt yourself -- and that insecurity is what's preventing you from feeling safe. If you fix *that*, then you're on the right path. This has WAY more to do with rebuilding you than repairing your relationship. You need to KNOW beyond doubt that you are valuable, loveable, and the kind of wife that only a fool would leave. When you are there, then what H's motivations were to reconcile really won't matter at all.

So yes, if you decide that YOU want to reconcile, and H says he's willing, then I'm telling you not to worry at all about his motivations because in six months they won't matter. You'll be in such a different place. The way he will feel about you then won't even be in the same area code as the way he feels about you now -- provided you can stick by your changes.

I can tell you that when I "got my mojo back" as it were, I *knew* I was a great husband and father. I enjoyed what I was able to bring to the relationship, and the knowledge that it was good convinced me that if it wasn't good enough for W, that was her loss, because I have a lot to be proud of with the changes I've made. If you focus on YOU, you will get there too.

I would strongly discourage you from reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" from the perspective of trying to educate and change H. You cannot. You can only educate and change yourself, so only read that book if it holds relevance for your own behavior, or if it will help YOU interact with H in a more positive way. Any time we start down a road of trying to change our spouse, we have lost before we started.

Accuray