I've been thinking about what you posted ^^^^. This is very interesting and very spot on, especially if you don't handle the feelings, they will handle you.
Im applying this to myself and how I recall our past, any issues we were having at the time, how I was feeling, and WHY I was feeling it ,THERFORE this is why I chose to act the way I did, or didn't. Then in conclusion, what could I do now(or then) that would've been a better way to handle my feelings or situation? What do I need to do to be true to myself?
Right now my feelings are handling me and Im struggling in how to handle them. All I know is to sort them out and figure out how to deal with them the best way I can. right now Im in hyper - protect myself mode.
So Im journaling, venting, and exploring here. This is lengthy, but I got where I needed to be!:
I have to admit this. I am very disturbed at stbx being so kind to me. It makes me angry. His actions speak to me that he's eager to help me in anyway with the kids and work with me together in whatever we need to do for the kids. He told me months ago that he never changed how he felt about his role in wanting to raise them. Of course his actions were a total 180 in my opinion in how he handled shoving the OW down their throats.
I am so angry with myself that I can't see the silver lining in this. I can always see the positive side of things in every situation, but when it comes to this ONE THING, THIS ONE MARRIAGE, THIS ONE RELATIONSHIP, I am completely OPPOSITE of how my outlooks are in life most of the time. That pisses me off.
So I've been grinding on this as I cooked breakfast and I think I am now really starting to understand why Im so full of frustration, anger, and resentment, especially towards stbx. Wow, when I have a lightbulb moment, I have them! Then I stand back and say to myself " well gee what took you so long to figure that out?"
So what this boils down to is me, and how I've allowed my emotions to handle me, but it was also about me NOT KNOWING any better. This is a HUGE button being pushed inside of me, but stbx seems to be the one that's pushing it consistently. So therefore I place all the anger and resentment towards him. Well guess what, I now know it's not his fault. This is my broken button that I must learn to fix because it's been pushed many times by others, he's just the one that seems to have his finger on it all the time.
Here's my button: As I look back I realize this goes back to my childhood. I had a very co dependent relationship with my mother. Though my mother and I were the best of friends and very close, I had a co depdenent relationship with her. She was also verbally abusive to me for many years, when she was binge drinking. The biggest and most deepest issues I came away with from my bond with my mother is that #1. I am responsible for people's happiness. #2. My feelings don't always matter. #3. Real important issues, or very heavy issues don't get dealt with and get swept under the carpet.
What I've learned, is these issues you think are gone forever, never really are. They come back to be dealt with in one way or another.
And that is what I've taken into my marriage, and I also know that my stbx has/had the exact same issues from his alcoholic mother. I felt responsible for his feelings, yet my feelings don't always matter, and any issues we have will just be swept under the carpet. I swear that man and I mirror eachother more and more as I see our "forest for the trees" in our life together. Amazing. It must be true we choose our lives and people in them to each us lessons before we incarnate. Our soul mates can be the ones that teach us the biggest lessons. Damn, no wonder I feel so bound to the man.
So here I am beating myself up that I wasn't perfect and made him so unhappy he has to leave me for all the horrible reasons he's left me (ok I know better than this now, but this is how I still feel at times)and even though Im so heartbroken, my feelings don't matter and did they ever matter? WE have alot of issues we never addressed and swept it under the carpet, and now look where we're at?
So each time he's being so nice and eager to work with me about the kids my button of " we just had major issues, BUT LETS NOT LOOK AT THEM" gets pushed. Each time he acts and sounds like my long lost buddy that I've known half my life the "you've been horribly hurt, but your feelings dont matter" button gets pushed. And in the past when just breathing on my part threw him into spew mode the "Im responsible for your feelings" button got pushed in me.
So now I see that no level to detatchment can avoid personal hot buttons getting pushed. If they are our there, they are going to get pushed some way or another by anyone.
Now that I have that dived to the abyss, got my pearl and have resurface, what do I do now? Hmmmm must think on it some more. I do feel much better figuring this out. Much of the anger and resentment just started to melt away as I worked through this. I think the best thing I could do to be true to myself is to put boundaries up with stbx and explain to him why Im uncomfortable with how he is acting, and to ask him to please back off. This might confuse him, because I've been returning the friendly back, given it's my nature. But it's felt so awful wrong for so long, and now I've finally figured out what was bothering me so much about it all. A seriously broken button has been getting pushed without malicious intent on his part. So I guess I need to basically request I be "shut down for repair" and get my button fixed.
