Separation Helped So Far..

[anyhope]

All is going ok I guess. Somewhat in the whole financially but hopeful things will pick up. I've been doing very good and felt that I do not want to reconcile, the pain of not just the breakup but also of facts of our marriage.. Almost seems like looking back it was never perfect. I always felt 'not good enough' in most things I did as well as in appearance. I just find that sad because I've always tried to better myself and contribute to the relationship. Im also ok looking, lot consider me attractive, yet I never felt really pretty in my husband's eyes, nor really valued as a partner.. A beer with a guys ALWAYS came before me. Pair that with the months of heartless craziness he's put me through and I cant find it in my hearth to give him another chance.. I can't imagine i'd be able to put it all behind me and try again.

I've done a good job at becoming friends, tho its hard because he gets hopeful and wants to do things together all the time, wants to be invited for breakfast, lunch or dinner, he doesn't care as long as he's around and its only so much of him I can take comfortably, but having the same circle of friends leaves us no choice but to be on good terms.

He is moving tomorrow and I've mentioned before he asked quite a few times if he could move here as he has nowhere else to move to. I keep turning him down, he will be moving to a friend's house for a month but his work situation is still crappy and now he's saying (yesterday he told me) that unless he gets some serious amount of work he won't be able to rent anything still after the month passes and that he should really move here for a month after. My no is very firm as I know what his plan is.. I know he doesn't have the money to move but I told him to borrow from ow, as a hooker making $200/hr Im sure she could help him out, or better yet move in with her as they were such close 'friends' till now. But he says he wants nothing to do with her.

Yet it took her a lot to move out, she moved out a few weeks ago as per H, but I was over the other day picking up some stuff I still had there in the basement and I could hear her talking and walking around upstairs, I asked h if she was there, he said she was also there to pick up some stuff of hers.. She went out the front door while I was getting my things from the basement and h asked me to come in and eat as he got really good sausages.. I said isn't miss whats her face there? He said she just left.. So I went in to eat and washed my hands before. In the bathroom sink were her underwear washed.. Now i could be wrong, but I think most women (who moved) would have taken their underwear with them.. So i proceeded with the hand washing thinking this and thinking that I dont really care anyhow..

There was a mattress in one of the smaller rooms and H mentioned a few times that she's been sleeping there as they broke up long ago but she had nowhere to go. Honestly I dont know what to believe, I believe nothing he says. I was there a few weeks ago to pick up the dog and now when I was there there was a huge note in the kitchen (noticeable place) said 'dont forget your lunch babe' and I thought I dont recall seeing this last time.. It it new? If it is its just another proof of his lies.

Now 2 hours ago I was on the phone and the other line beeps. It was H, called twice and once on the home phone. Once I was done talking I called him back to see who died. He said he almost died.. He said he was packing from a certain dresser (where he keeps pictures and stuff) and he started crying and wants to know if we could ever reconcile. I said i felt really sorry for him taking things so badly, but a few month ago I also packed up my half of that same dresser crying and he didnt give a rat's ass about how I felt.. A long time has gone by and just because he now thinks that what he did was wrong it doesnt mean that I can just pretend nothing happened and give him another chance. He then went on to ask to go somewhere for a week just as friends and see how things go, because he is now a changed man.. I said he is most likely not a changed man, he most likely never really loved me and I've been through the pain and will no longer settle. (I keep thinking of the email he sent to ow, saying how amazing and beautiful and intelligent she is) I'm sorry but that is really what broke my heart.. I never heard those things from him, I really thought he was incapable of such words (and I lived with him for 10 years) Thats whats hurts the most and makes me feel REALLY betrayed.

So... I told him how I felt, we hung up, I got depressed immediately and started crying but still think I'm doing the right thing. Right? that just messed up my day it looks like.. Can't focus on anything else right now...