Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing

[Jenna333]

Things had been going so well. We had been showing each other so much love. Thursday night we had plans to hang out after he got off work. He called to tell me he was giving a buddy a ride home, then he'd be home. Some time passed and I called to see where he was. He was drinking at his buddy's house. I got upset. We fought when he got home. It escalated. It got physical. He didn't (and has never) struck me, but he wouldn't let me get away from him. He is 6'4". He has 13 inches and 140lbs on me. He picked me up off the ground by my head. He harshly grabbed me by my upper arms and shoved me into a wall, and I fell on the ground. He threw me onto the bed a few times. At one point I was having a full blown panic attack and couldn't catch my breath. I was terrified. He was on me and wouldn't let me up. I begged him to get off of me because I couldn't catch my breath, and he said I was faking. I panicked and hit him in the face to get him to get off of me. After I ran to the window to get air he threw my phone into the wall, smashed a plate over his own head, and screamed about hating me and how everyone in my family loves him more than me. I wasn't silent through all of this, but I WAS on the defense. I never wanted things to get physical. I acted in self defense.

He's only gotten physical a few times in our 9 years together. Alcohol was involved each time. If we're fighting and he's been drinking, it's a horrible combination. He's not an 'abuser'. And trust me, I am not blind to what happened. But I've been with him 9 years and he rarely raises his voice to me, let alone abuses me. I've hit him before. Not proud of it, but it happened. Not in a long time.

That said, I don't know that this is worth it anymore. Yesterday he was blaming me for hitting him that night. I practically begged him to not give up on us. I'm thinking much clearer today, and what I said to him yesterday sounds so twisted to me now. He overpowered me, and I was trying to get him to stay? I can't look at him the same way anymore. He's apologetic today. Yesterday? Not so much. He blamed us both. I'm being 100% honest when I say I spent that whole fight trying to get away from him. He was blaming us both for letting it escalate to that point.

I'm so conflicted. I doubt he'll give up the drinking. Tried that one with him before and he stopped for a while, then started up behind my back. He never sees it as the problem, just a contributor. He defends it, saying most of the time when he drinks everything's fine.

Oh, and it's my 25th birthday today. Happy birthday to me.