Needing some guidance...

[jks]

Yesterday, H met me at a park to pick up the kids. As soon as I saw him I gave him a smile and got up to go hug him. I love his hugs. Seriously, he has always been known for giving the best hugs. He just emits love. I can't stand it.

When my D6 saw him she was sooooo excited. She has been so down lately. Everyday she is disappointed when its not her dad picking her up from school. She would ask me everyday, all the time, when is daddy coming? And I didn't really have an answer for her because I didn't know our plans yet. I felt for her so deeply. I hate seeing my children like this. She has lashed out so much because she has been so neglected by me this week. I was emotionally gone from everyone. I feel so guilty right now for the way I treated my kids this week. I made them feel abandoned. And for a child, that is the lowest they can ever feel. I wish I could take it all back.

She hugged him for so long... I couldn't help but start crying. I want my family back so much, it hurts!! I don't want this pain to be put onto my children. I don't know how to do it all. Be hurt and go through my pain and yet, be a happy and present parent. I'm so scared that I have affected them for the rest of their lives in such a negative way. Life is so complicated. I never bargained for this and I am starting to feel very, very overwhelmed by what needs to be undone. It's like I keep spinning myself deeper and deeper into a web of destruction and negativity. And I'm emitting it onto everyone I come in contact with but most importantly I'm affecting the people I love the most.

I don't want to be remembered for this. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to give up but I am so weak at times.

After they hugged he went to go find my S4 who was playing on the playground. A couple minutes later I found him pushing him on the swings. So I came over to talk with him for a while and push S4 too. We then walked back over to our cars and started to get the carseats switched over and the kids buckled up into his car. He then made it a point to come over to me and talk with me for a minute. He gave me the biggest hug. I started sobbing. He said, its ok. I told him I just want you to know that I regret some of the things I said yesterday. When I told you "what are you waiting for?" I didn't mean it. I was trying to get you to make a decision and I know that isn't fair for me to do. And it has been bugging me. He said, I understand... believe me, I know. Meaning, what I said wasn't something that was a huge deciding factor for him. He has always been good that way that he has made all of these decisions for himself. He doesn't really talk to a lot of people because he wants the answer to come from within him not from an influence of what someone else thinks. (I am the complete opposite.)

I also told him that I want to take the kids to a city that's about 4 hours away that's warm for Spring Break next week. He said, when were you thinking? I said, well you told me you'd bring them back Tues. so I was going to leave Weds. He said, ok, who are you going with? I said, probably just a couple of friends. He said, ok. Then he left.

I went home and posted on FB that I was kid-less on a Friday night and was wondering if anyone's doing anything fun. My dear friend from work a long time ago immediately responded... I'm kid-less and husband-less tonight too. I said, it was meant to be! So we went to dinner and talked. It was so good to see her and talk with her again.

My other friend had texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a late movie with her and her sister. So after dinner with the one friend I left and went to a movie with my two twin sister friends and it was so good just to get out and do something. I haven't gone out on a Friday night in a year, it seems. My H always works nights and weekends and so therefore I always have the kids.

I woke up this morning and started to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and I feel this is why I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. Maybe I'm filling my mind with too much psychological information. It's a lot of changing your way of thinking and remembering what you learn from the books and doing those things takes a lot of effort. Granted, I see now why my H has issues. He isn't honest with himself. But to start down that path of trying to help him acknowledge this behavior and change it right now is more than I can handle right now. So I may need to just take a break from all the reading.

Venting and journaling here is what gives me my therapy right now. I'm in such a weird state of mind. I don't feel like myself at all right now. I'm really starting to envision my life without H and it feels downright empty. The kids are gone and I'm without all of them until next Tues.

I do plan to continue to not contact H. Give him his space. My rooms at my mom's house are a disaster so that is my project for the weekend. To get things back on track and possibly get rid of some things. I just have too much stuff. I look at all of it and think, I would rather have none of this and just be sitting in a simple home sipping hot chocolate with my H, knowing that I am the only one that he loves. One day... maybe.