Also, I am trying not to argue with him. I was trying to mind my own business, and getting a life, and acting as if, he's the one who keeps bringing up "the situation" talks. I guess I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut, I don't know. I have been reading a lot on the Hero's Spouse website, which is why I pointed out his choices and if he goes for a divorce it will be his not mine. I feel like no matter what I do or say it is wrong.
I'm an emotional train wreck, between home and work I can not win anywhere. I'm afraid of what the heck is going to happen, how am I going to pay the bills, I don't want to leave my home. He's calling all the shots, shouldn't staying in MY home be my decision? But he keeps threatening to stop paying the mortgage and says I need a plan by July 1, not sure why that's the magical number, but that's what he came up with. Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten into the human services field because it pays terrible, and I question if I am even really helping people anyway.
It just keeps messing with my head because he sounds so darn convincing when he says stuff I know is NOT true, and I know there is no talking rationally to a person who is having a break from reality. When he speaks I can clearly see the reality of his feeling like a failure, and feeling trapped by financial obligations, even though he can not see those are the root of his problems. He's scared so he is running away. I guess that runs in his family, along with being super stubborn. It's just hard being able to see things so clearly when he's seeing things in a fantasy world. As much as I am trying to live my life and not focus on him, I still have to worry about the financial aspect, because at this point if I had that figured out I would be fine with him leaving. As much as it pains me to say that, and as much as I want my marriage to survive this, if he is so hell bent on leaving then he should, and then maybe he can work through the rest of the issues he thinks he doesn't have. He will also see the reality of he is still going to have financial obligations, and divorce costs a lot and filing for bankruptcy, as he is now threatening to do, is going to screw up his life. He claims he doesn't care, just wants out. Well I'm sorry to say, he is going to have to realize you can't just check out of life and pretend you are 16 again. He's an adult, and needs to realize it and stop projecting all his issues onto me!
I know I'm a good person, and I know all of my strengths. Counseling has helped me a great deal, and it's great he is considering it, but he is only considering it to have a third party tell me it's over, so I don't know how much that would even help him at this point.
On the up side, something that helped me some last night was a co-worker randomly texted me and told me, "Just wanted to tell u I'm thinking of u and that u r awesome!" That was totally out of the blue. I thanked her and told her she didn't know how well timed that was. She told me she is sending me happy vibes and wishes she could make this all go away. She told me, "just keep thinking of all your positives and dont let the negativity bring u down. u r a caring, compassionate, easy to talk to, responsible, person with a huge heart." God working in mysterious ways again, bringing me something I needed to hear at just the right time.
