something that helped me as a guide post for the whole journey
was a role model I created for myself to become, based on two women I know, with some of "ME" added in for realism.
I just imagined my best self and what she was like on regular days. I imagined how SHE would react to not so good situations...(Of course SHE would not be in as many of these "situations" but IF)
and I saw some Mother Teresa stuff, but then I toned it down to be more realistic for me. So I saw the nurturing side of myself that exists, in full bloom, the encouraging partner I once was, the warm lover, the fun loving friend, the buddy who laughs hard & often...
and I really really tried to live up to that image. I fell short!! OFTEN!!
But I had my moments early on too. And they did help, or at least kept things from escalating that ordinarily would have. And I'm a better woman now than I was before. That's important.
And I'm a better partner.
Today? No, NOT All of our problems are solved and we get new ones b/c life throws curveballs.
About 3 months after we reconciled & were barely in "Piecing", my mil was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I did a lot of caring for her. I quit my job to help out.
That was NOT expected and it was utterly draining and terrifying and a lot of other things...but I "showed up" for her and my h and btw, she had not been close or kind to me or the kids. But I know I did right by her.
I like to THINK the kids admired that. At least I have hopes that if I'm in those shoes, they'll recall it!
Anyhow, the point is, we began to backslide at the time. We had NOT gotten tools for this type of crisis as we were barely resolving what had separated us.
Then we went to Retrovaille and I'd urge you to give that a try. I think I already mentioned it but if not, it's a weekend retreat FOR marriages in trouble.
Works small/not so small miracles. Helped EVERY couple there. 3 years later, 80% are still married and considering why they were there in the first place (ie crisis), that is saying a lot.
Check yourself for self serving rationalizations.( We all do them). But they hurt us & the people we love, often. So beware.
& Keep posting!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
