OMG!! What's a woman to do?? So I was innocently and happily planting my seeds on the kitchen table when dear one came in and wanted to talk to me..... yeah, that's right, another I don't feel that way speech, trying to give you time, I just want out of this situation.
I did pretty well.... still can't hold back the tears. I told him I am a person and this is our marriage, not a situation. I did a lot of the pointing out of his choices and sorry you feel that ways. He pulled the I guess I should just file then routine and I told him that's his choice, but if he does it will be his divorce, not mine. He pulled the do I have to go out and get a girlfriend line again, and I said nope, that won't make me think you don't love me. And if you do, whether or not you want to believe we are married right now we are, and that is still adultery. He chuckled and rolled his eyes. Says it's just a piece of paper, doesn't mean anything any more, maybe never did. I told him I don't believe that, he used to call me an angel in his life. He looks at me like I'm crazy and need help. Went so far as to say he considered calling my mom to see how he could make me see reason!! Yeah like she's gonna do that, she wonders who came and took the man I married away! Actually, everyone who knew the man I married is wondering what the heck is wrong with him!
He asked me if he chose to go to counseling, and nothing changed would that convince me it's over, I said probably not, but we would have to see. We had a long talk about the counselor I am seeing and his background, and he said something to the affect of the counselor being a better man than him. (in my head I thought, OMG my counselor is totally right he feels worthless and like a failure!). I asked if he would even consider talking to my pastor, and he says, "I'm not religious" I said you don't have to be, he's not going to hit you over the head with a Bible. He said he will think about going to counseling, but he is very independent and doesn't need anyone to help him with his problems, and then proceeded to tell me how he got stranded the other night and had to get a new battery for the car.
So today he is hell bent on getting out of the relationship, he doesn't feel emotionally connected, and feels there is nothing to work on, doesn't agree that love is work. Even went so far as to say we should have never gotten married!! Said he wasted 11 years of my life. I told him that's not true, had 11 great years, and could have more, but it's his choice to runaway from his wife, his family. I pointed out some of the great times we had, and stated he is a good man. Of course he's like those are just memories, I want out. I told him he knows where the door is, I'm not keeping him here. He pulled the house in foreclosure bit again, and asked again why I am hanging onto it. I again stated we've worked too hard to get there. He thinks I'm hanging on to it because I think it will keep him there or bring him back.
He told me people he's talked to told him it's good that he told me now the way he feels instead of living a lie! (Like really, no one he's talked to sees how messed up this is, trying to have a baby one day, getting a divorce the next!, Society is messed up!) I told him they are idiots, and love takes work! He just laughed at me and said, "well then maybe I am just lazy!"
He keeps saying I will be fine with someone else he just wants to get on with his life and he hasn't missed me or thought about me at all these last 6 months. I told him I didn't buy that. He claims he's been happy, and having a great time, he just wants out of this situation so he can live his life. (Let me tell you he looks happy sometimes, but looks like hell others). He kept saying he was trying to be logical (I beg to differ).
He doesn't understand the purpose of a counselor and said we can counsel each other. I went on to tell him how much counseling had helped me with the depression I didn't even realize I was in about the fertility issues until I got help. He said that is good for me. Still wants out, and then says that he doesn't know if he wants kids and that was pressure (when he gave me a speech in December he said he thought deep down he wanted kids, he seemed depressed during this speech.) Throughout this I let him know I love him unconditionally and everything is repairable. He just doesn't think there is anything to work on.
I feel crazy.... am I in deep denial? But then I remember don't believe anything they say...... I wish he would work through this, but he even went so far as to say he has nothing to work on, he's happy, feels like he likes who he is. I have a VERY hard time believing that...... am I stupid or crazy for not believing him and having hope? I continue to pray, and don't know what the plan is, but how can it be this crazy mess, is God's will really for it to end this way?? Deep inside of me I just keep hearing stay, don't leave your home, don't give in, this is not your real husband, this being is in him for a short while...... but he sounds so darn convincing.... I really want to save my marriage, but feel like it keeps slipping farther and farther away...
