Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

[Valeska19]

I thought I would write an update as I might be off the board for awhile. I've been prepping a film the past two weeks and it's kept me pretty busy. I'm sure shooting will be even crazier.

I've been feeling good the past couple of days. I pretty much had a breakdown on the 21st. I spoke to my pastor and explained alot of what I journaled about.

Overall I felt like I was just trying sooo hard that I had emotional burnt myself out. He advised me to stop trying so hard. To stop using my brain so much, relax and just go with my heart.

I cried harder than I have for awhile... so much my eyes burned.

Later that night,I deleted w from my phone. I don't have the ability to block her.. or maybe I just don't know how. Right now I know her number by heart... but hopefully that will fade too.

Needless to say, it was crazy how much pain was lifted when I didn't see her in my phone (I spend alot of time on my phone for work).

After a few days of feeling better, I went over to my friends house. I said "I think I'm ready."

We pulled up my FB account and I was still unsure. I too.. struggle with the fog that letting go = abandonment.

I went back and re-read the post by JS to me (Thank you so much!)

and as I brought up the friends section my phone goes off. It was a text from a friend that I reconnected with. A friend I had to walk away from for awhile because it was a "bitch fest" every time we talked... and I was just so determined to be positive.

We connected a few months ago because he heard that I had changed so much. That I had become super positive and was "glowing"...

Just as negativity can bring more negativity.. so can positivity rub off on the other person.

So at 12:30a, the text says.

"I appreciate that your always good to me and how loyal you are"

And with that text, I pushed delete. I felt God brought alot of signs in my life. I decided to trust him.

I thought I would feel sad (and I'm sure I will at some point) but I just felt relief.

I don't know how long ago I brought FB up on the board, I don't know how many times... but it's been a long battle for me.

and it some ways stupid. It's just a social networking site. If me deleting w on FB sends her beyond the point of every turning back... than we shouldn't really be together anyway.

So much stress and turmoil over it. Now I can post about anything or everything and not worry if she is looking.. or not looking.

The funny thing.. I haven't posted in so long.. I don't really want to any more.

I do wonder though if I will feel this much relief when I sign the D papers. Part of me believes it to be true.

I don't know if I am happy with moving on.. but my attitude shift is a welcomed change.

And although my journey with my w has come to an end... my growth hasn't.

Now I get to DB my co-workers on this feature. Bring it on!!!