Needing some guidance...

[Accuray]

jks,

Yes, funny about the name -- "Accuray" doesn't mean anything special, it was just a name I picked to be anonymous.

For what it's worth, I think it's very unlikely that H will pick OW. You are the incumbent, you are the mother of his children, you have shared history together. You shared a vision for a life together. He will see this, but you have to let him. He needs to wonder what you're up to. The less he knows about what you're doing / thinking, the more he will think about you and wonder.

Yes, this is a HUGE confidence killer. That's why you have to GAL and "Act as If". When you GAL, you go out and meet new people and interact. When you see them appreciate you and enjoy your company, you learn that you are loveable and valuable. You have to go out there and do it to get these feelings. For H's benefit, you have to "act as if" your confidence is already back.

It's easy to fall off the DB program. When you do, get up, dust yourself off, and get back on. That's all you can do. No need to beat yourself up.

In terms of IC, I had to go to 3 before I found a good one, so you do need to shop around. That said, the telephone coaches on this site are excellent, much better than an IC. Give that a try and you will feel better.

I can't remember if I shared this with you or not, but if I did I'm going to share it again. This is from a book called "Love Must Be Tough", primarily written for the situation where your spouse is "cake eating", meaning they continue to keep you on the line while they date OW. This passage is talking about what you need to do in your attitude toward H:

"Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands...you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, 'I believe in me, I am not afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow, and I'm through crying..."

"Not that you should say these things with words, or course. In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It's your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. Her secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. He will not sit down and explain his inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information."

"I'm recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with him hiding his cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than he should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan."

"It is important during this time of crisis not to do predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. He knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. He has memorized all your little 'prerecorded' phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don't offer suggestions when you would typically do so. Don't be predictable!"

"Your purpose, you see, is to convince this man that events are swirling out of control and may take him in directions he has not anticipated. The old rules don't apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone. It's become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down."

Finally:

"An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces tears and self-pity. Curiousity infects the aloof party, and he begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, he's coming your way. He's saying 'You seem different tonight,' and 'I hope you're beginning to get over our problems'. He's baiting you to find out what's going on inside. It is uncomfortable for him to observe that changes are occurring which he neither controls nor understands. Tell him nothing. He *needs* to wonder."

It goes on to say that despite your partner's stoic appearance, he will be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt. There is still a tiny spark for you there, and you have to give it space to kick up into a flame versus smothering it and snuffing it out.

Your sitch is better than the one described in the passage because H is willing to talk to you and admits that he is conflicted -- usually that is NOT the case. However, the prescription in the quote is still a good one for you. It's time to win an Oscar for being a great actress!

Accuray