I was forwarded your thread to look over. It has been quite some time since I have posted to anyone but after reading over your story I felt compelled to share a few words with you. I must say that it takes an incredible amount of courage to admit what you have done and I am sure the overriding guilt can seem unbearable at times. I think what Harrier said is actually sound advice the emotions that surface after receiving news from a spouse that they are leaving can be quite overwhelming. It seems to me you need some professional help and you are getting it. The truth of the matter is not every marriage on this board should be saved and a huge portion of them will not, even the ones that should. As you go forward with this process understand that you have control over one thing and one thing only…yourself. That is it.
You will spend a lot of wasted energy and time analyzing things your spouse does or says and be consumed by it at points but it is important to remember one simple thing. While your heart yearns for her and you want her to return to you so that things can go be as they were once you do not need her in your life. You want, you do not need.
Everybody comes here looking to save their marriage and for the most part it is important to support each other and give each other strength in these times of darkness however, your sitch is a little different than most. You have admitted what I suspect many are guilty off and have not. Sometimes it takes a disaster in our life for us to wake up and see the damage of our actions. I hope this is your time to self-reflect and do a little growing. Loss of control in your emotions displayed in anger and violence is a sign of a weak mind. I am not saying to hurt, you have enough of that in your life right now, but only to tell you that you must first seek to understand and then to be understood.
My journey was long and painful and few were the days I felt relief and peace but as time passed I learned to cope and eventually feel better about where I am in life. Sometimes the things that happen today mean nothing to us but their true meaning is revealed in time. Hopefully this is the beginning of such a journey for you.
You have two children and a life to live. I hope for their sake that thoughts of suicide are removed from your mind and you can begin the process of growing and healing. In this case your wife was the victim and you the aggressor and if you ever want to achieve happiness with her or without I suggest you take this time to learn a few things about yourself.
