Try hard not to mind read. You seem to want him to tell you that he loves OW more and he is only willing to stay out of guilt. That is your fear and you keep asking him to confirm it. He has not said that, but when he gets anywhere near it, you jump to that conclusion. That fear frames it as a comparison between the two of you, but that's not what's going on, as you point out, you are the reality, she is the fantasy and the two CANNOT be compared.
I went through this too -- I spent a long time talking to my IC about the fact that I was afraid she loved OM more and I was standing in the way of her happiness and would always fail by comparison. I also wanted her to stay "for me" versus the package I represented (kids, house, stability)
MC said that your spouse chose you for a reason initially, because you have something they want and need. Let's pretend that you rely upon H to get things done, and H says he likes the fact that OW takes care of things on her own. More likely than not, H wants and needs to be the caretaker, so while he may appreciate that in the short term, longer term he will not feel needed or not feel like a good provider. Often the things he thinks he likes now will be the things that ultimately disappoint him later. Relationships born from affairs have a horrible success rate for that reason.
It is also usually the case that traits we love about someone are the flipside of what bothers us the most. If you really like strong independent men, they're not going to be that loving or vulnerable with you. If you like someone who makes you feel very needed, you may resent feeling like their caretaker, etc.
Often affair partners are the opposite of the spouse, and the WAS discovers eventually that's not really what they want at all. Your traits are useful and valuable to H -- don't forget it!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
