Kaffe: Yes and no. We had been sharing the bedroom since 1 Jan. The day after OW left the island he must have made her some promises. She didn't know I was sleeping in the masterbedroom. He asked me not to put it on FB. As if I would.....
Anyway, that night he told me he wasn't going to sleep in the same room as me anymore. He was going to move into the guest room that night. I was so angry I took my pillow and went to the guest room. I had slept in the guest room Oct, Nov, Dec already. All my stuff was still there, as I wasn't feeling secure in moving it back.
I continue to have panic attacks, trouble sleeping and just a feeling like I am out of place. The room upstairs is my room, my paintings, my furniture choices, my curtains. I know it sounds a bit childish, but I want to sleep in my beautiful bedroom.
He says we are separated. I have done 4 months in the bedroom where I don't feel comfy. I count, too.
I will leave his dresser empty, I will leave his side of the closet empty. If he ever decides to make our marriage and our relationship a priority, we can discuss him moving back into the bedroom.
I don't see that happening anytime soon. He has gone back and forth between OW and myself either 7 or 15 times depending on how you count it. I don't think I should accept from him what he is giving me.
And if I do need to move along and let him do his own thing, then I need some space where I can be alone. I feel like he controls my every move.
I am having to take medicine for panic attacks. I don't like where I am right now. I need to find me. And seeing him wanting to sit wiith me and watch TV with me and pretending like all is well, then the next minute so openly talking about us getting divorced bugs me.
I want to go dark, but meed some space to do it in.
How can I kick someone out who has emotionally already gone?
I will take feedback and 2x4's on this, because maybe I am missing something.
All I really know is I cannot go on feeling this bad.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
"The room upstairs is my room, my paintings, my furniture choices, my curtains. I know it sounds a bit childish, but I want to sleep in my beautiful bedroom."
It's not childish. That is your sanctuary. Reclaim it. You're only hurting yourself and allowing him to enjoy himself. By movingback into the bedroom, you're doing two things: 1)You're reclaiming the calming part of the home that you feel safe in, 2)You are showing that you are not going to play second fiddle to another woman. You are showing that you are a strong woman who will not be a second choice.
The island has so many beautiful places to go and find inner peace. You can always do something active with a local outdoor group to get stronger.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wendy that will make you insane, him saying to you what he says, doing what he does, then wants you to sit and watch tv with him like nothing is wrong and then openly talk about divorce?
Hun this is why you're needing the anti anxiety meds, this is getting to be too much. If you want to reclaim your room then by golly go and get it. Send him to the guest room.
Now maybe this is where I am not a good example of standing, but I think you need to set some boundaries with him! Tell him you're taking your room back and why! He's treating you like an object that has no feelings by acting nice one minute, nasty the next, then talking about the divorce like it's as normal as grocery shopping! This is where I don't agree with some of the 180's. We're to set all these feelings aside and detatch, and still take this? I say detatch, but still stand firm in your boundaries. Everyone deserves RESPECT and BOUNDARIES. I firmly believe that detatching and acting as if nothing doesn't bother us and we're fine with everything actually can give them the idea it's ok to keep treating us like they do...cause gee nothing seems to bother us! They can keep acting this way and getting away with it, what are we going to do?
Im not suggesting opening a can of Whoop Ass and go ballistic on him ( though he deserves it, and you might actually feel alot better..lol!) but stand firm and let your needs and boundaries be KNOWN. This can be done calmly,kindly, but firm. It might help the anxiety, and surely help that self esteem.
My take on MLC is that there is precious little we can do for our marriages, and a lot we can do for us. I have been dealing with a long time, and my only regret is that I wasn't tougher with xh!! Might have done him good, and certainly would have been better for me.
You are doing well in a difficult situation. I have been playing with the idea for some time now that MLC is some sort of right brain malfunction, not a stroke, or necessarily anything that can be seen, but the right brain is the seat of emotion, empathy, and connectedness. It is the seat of our personality.
The left brain is all about reason and logic. Everything about MLCers shrieks that they are no longer 'listening' to their right brain. The reasoning is impeccable but crazy. The not looking us in the eye, and not connecting isn't guilt imho, but actually inability to connect.
Do you ever feel the person you knew isn't 'there' any more? Are his reasons for doing anything perfectly clear to him and nuts to everyone else? Does he connect meaningfully with anyone he was formerly close to?
Reclaiming your space is a great idea. How can you abandon someone who has left the mother ship? He knows you are there. He may or may not come out of it, but whatever he does you need to survive for those who love and like you. Your kids have effectively lost their father. If your h ever sorts himself out he will need a strong and compassionate woman!
I believe that MLC for the most part is beyond DBing techniques. They have clearly worked for a few posters here, but for the most part they are truly like water off a ducks back.
Wendy, If you will go back through your older postings, you will see that I advised you quite a while ago to reclaim your bedroom and put him in the guest room. I know...you weren't ready then to rock the boat, so to speak. He's enjoying the comforts of a room that you decorated while you are in a room that you don't feel comfortable in. He needs to have a taste of what I call the "consequences of his actions". It's time that you set some boundaries that you, not him, are comfortable with.
He's been gone emotionally for quite some time and I would venture to say that he really doesn't participate w/the family in many things. His mind is elsewhere and w/the ow returning to the island in a few months, he will only get worse w/his comments and demands.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, but you are learning more about yourself as you walk the path. The most important person right now is YOU. Please do whatever it takes to find peace for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just want to add that when I started standing firm, after getting fought tooth and nail, spew, and silent treatment....I then started getting treated with a little respect.
Snodderly: Yes, I know you said to take back my bedroom. I think I was worried I was going to make him more mad. Now I see it just doesn't matter. He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in......
Beatrice: He does not connect meaningfully with anyone except OW. All the rest of us are cardboard people to him. He still is nice to the kids grandkids. But unless I make plans to hang out as a family, he just sees them whenever.
He had made the bold statement a few weeks ago that he would never ride in a car with me again. He leaves Sat for a week in DC. I asked him how he was getting to the airport. He finally got one of his sons to agree to take him. Even if he hadn't made the bold statement, he didn't check with me about it, except to tell me what day he was travelling. I have yoga class when he needs to be at the airport. And I prefer to not miss yoga!
Kaffe: We will hope he sees something spunky in me. Otherwise, I will just be happier in general!
Kimmerez! I am trying to be better at setting boundaries! Thanks!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Please do not take this as criticism, because the hardest thing is having to share your living space with a MLCer. Those that take off do us a favour.
OK, you are still very involved with your xh. Yes, you were married a long time, and it takes a while to detach, but you MUST detach. It isn't an option but a necessity.
I have come to see MLC rather differently these days. They are living in an altered reality which makes perfect sense to them, but not to anyone else much. The OW is a part of this altered reality, but in no way guarantees that she will be treated well. Your h might spend money on her, and time with her, but she is a puppet in his strange twilight MLC world. I don't mean this to sound patronising. it is sad actually.
Arguing is utterly pointless. They cannot budge an inch in their current belief. And one of the weird things about MLC is that something that insist on one day they will even deny having said the next.
Comments like never riding in a car with you again are so MLC. There is not externally rational reason for this, but it will make perfect sense to your h not to do this.
Seriously, you cannot argue with a MLCer. Their world is closed, coherent and consistent to them. I think it might actually make them feel unsafe to have it challenged. They survive in the larger world by following the rules that are imposed on them, so they can go on functioning in their jobs, although over times they may become less functional and productive, at least that is what people have reported to me.
The more rule based their employment the better they feel. But if those rules change it is like the end of the world.
I don't think there is anything we can do except state our own boundaries and refrain from arguing. It is not only pointless but it entrenches them in their position. They cannot be wrong. It isn't like with us - 'OK so I made a mistake, sorry' It is fundamental to them that they are right about all they do and say.
It does get better, and the more we see they really are not on the mother ship, and quit trying to bring them aboard, the better we get on.
Your getting the house termite treated is a case in point. There is no reasonableness in his request, and you can say firmly that you are not doing it alone [your boundary] but you will never convince your h of the unreasonableness of his view that you should do it.
