The Space Between...

[purgatory]

Ok, Gotta catch up on the past few days.... When we last checked in on Purg:

H was home for an entire week, sick as a dog. As he started to feel better, he hung out with me and the kids on the couch and we did dinners together. He also started to do a few chores since he was home during the day. Then he felt much better on Sunday, and things went right back to 'normal'. He left the house, barely talked to him for 2 days and he's back for Wednesday and Thursday.

Here's where it gets interesting:
On Wednesday, I had flowers delivered from a girl-friend (it was arranged on purpose.) H got there before I did and he had placed them on the kitchen counter. I came in, acted surprised and smiled when I read the card. He never asked who they were from or what they were for. In fact, he acted as if there weren't flowers on the counter. I went on with my plans for my "night off" (which mainly consisted of running errands without the hassle of kids- which feels like a luxury.) He barely spoke to me that entire night, except to say that he wanted to talk Thursday night about our papers and budget- he hasn't mentioned papers in over a month.

Thursday (today), I text him to say that I had forgotten that I had made plans with a friend already and wouldn't be able to talk tonight. He didn't say anything against that- but sent me an email with the stuff he wants to discuss: House plans and a few other assets. [these emails/texts still make my heart race and make me sick to my stomach.]

Well, I managed to piss him off before I got home. We had made plans to meet to see about a new lawnmower off of craigslist (long story, short: I can't start our current mower and I need to be able to use one while he's gone.) I got held up at work, and then got in the car and remembered I was on empty. I wasn't going to have time to get gas and make it to the place on time, so I called him and told him to go on without me and that I trusted his decision on the mower. He was livid! I got an earful of the following statements: "I should have planned better, How old am I to forget that I needed gas??, He was only coming with me for safety reasons and didn't give a sh!t about the mower, he had to backtrack 30 mintues now and get stuck in rush hour traffic when he could have been home already."

I validated as best I could, and explained that I didn't do this on purpose... but he was having none of it and just said: "I'm really angry. Let me get off the phone. I might not make it back in time for your movie tonight, sorry." He made it home and had no interest in talking to me. I approached him (a 180) and apologized again. He said: "I'm not surprised this happened." I asked him to explain; if that meant that he thinks I'm incapable of sticking to a plan? He said: "I'm just mad, don't think too much on it."

I left for my movie- which I throughly enjoyed. Came home to all the lights on, the kitchen in a mess and stuff/toys everywhere around the floors- looked like a tornado hit my living room! I went upstairs, and H opens the bathroom door (surprised me) and was fully dressed talking on the phone (like he was hiding in there?) While on the phone, he asked how/what movie I saw. I told him with a smile and walked away. When I asked him later how his night was with the boys, he was tight-lipped and only said: "busy." I didn't push, but I asked a few questions about the baby later on, and he was vague. I said: "It's ok, you don't have to tell me" with a smile and went to my bedroom. **This was strange b/c normally H would have told me a few details about the kids and what they did while I was gone**

So... H is being cold, quiet and short-tempered. Not to be unexpected from the WAS, but this is newish for him. I expected him to pull back some after having been here for an entire week and having to depend on me- he probably didn't want me to think that we were getting along. But I think the flowers sent him over the edge...

Not sure where to go from here. I hate not being able to make a decision about what to say or do.... H will be leaving the house until next Wednesday- and we are only scheduled to see each other for Saturday morning teeball. I have to build up to having the talk about papers (which still make me cringe!), have the kids all weekend alone, and most likely not hear from H at all. In regards to the papers- I told him back in December, that I won't sign anything before he leaves for Afg., and I still mean it. I will go through the process of discussing details and putting things down- but I won't sign until he gets back. I just feel that there's too much that could change in a year (positive or negative) that what we decide *now* might not be applicable in a year. I know things are modifiable in the papers, but if I sign them now, as of November 2012, 9 months before he's scheduled to come home, we will be legally D (b/c his lawyer told him that he can have the papers sent to him in Afg. and sign them there, as long as I didn't contest anything.)

GRRRRRR.... I'm back to being confused and a little lost!