Needing some guidance...

[jks]

My H texted at about 11:00 that he wanted to come and pick up the kids tomorrow night when he gets off of work. This immediately made me nervous because in the beginning of this week he wanted to do something together as a family on Friday night and I had told him that I didn't want to do anything with him until he ended it with OW. So I knew what that meant. I called him immediately and asked him what was going on. He started very slowly saying I'm just sitting at my house. I'm like AND?!! He said and I've been texting with OW and she isn't liking it. I asked him about tomorrow and he said well you said you didn't want to hang out with me until this was resolved and I know it's going to take a lot more talking to get it resolved. It's probably not going to happen in a day. So this was a start of very long conversation... 2 hours.

He said he hasn't changed his mind he just knew that this was going to be really hard for him because he cares about her a lot. And he knows that he won't ever be able to see her again. I was very understanding and made him explore every scenario trying to figure out what it is that he really wants. He obviously still has several reservations about coming back to me because he wonders if he will ever truly be happy. I did hurt him a lot and I told him that he didn't deserve it. But he wants his family to be together. He can't stand thinking about sharing our kids for the rest of our lives. It makes him miserable.

I asked him if he could be with her and not feel guilty anymore would he truly be happy with her? He said, for the most part, just not having my kids would be hard. Which tells me that he really was just coming back because of the enormous amount of guilt but really does prefer to be with her. He explained a lot more about why he did what he did and I understood. This is one thing about him, I feel like I get him. It didn't make me feel so bad about the situation and I told him, well, what are you waiting for? Do you want to just do it? (Meaning, get a divorce) And he said, I still don't know.

I know it seems like I was talking him out of staying with me, but I cannot make him stay with me for my own selfish reasons. I really do love him that much, I want him to be happy. However, I did tell him that he may want to think about his R with her... how right now it seems perfect and wonderful and the ideal way to go. But, in reality, its a fantasy. They haven't spent long amounts of time together. They haven't even been together with our kids dealing with day to day life. They have the same job and I know right now it may seem really cool that they can relate so much but eventually it might bug him that they have so much in common and might be too much a like. They might really butt heads on things and argue a lot. Right now its new and exciting and he just never knows. He said, I know, you're right.

I also told him that our old marriage is now dead. Neither one of us have a desire to go back to the way things were. We both want to make significant changes are willing to make it work. We both are willing to seek out a MC and it may be that much more rewarding knowing that we worked so hard and overcame so much. I told him that if we made each other a priority everyday we would both feel so valued and loved and want to do more for each other. I told him that we have the ability to start a completely new marriage. It could be exciting. He said, I know what you're saying.

So towards the end of our conversation, he said he still wants to pick up the kids tomorrow which immediately made me sad. I said so right now you're feeling like you have to choose between the two of us? He said, yes. Wow, this is hard. I felt so panicked and wanted to hold onto him for dear life. I said, I don't want to lose you. He said, I know.

So he will be taking our kids tomorrow night and all this DBing starts again. I feel ok. I know probably by the time the weekend gets here I'm going to be downright sad but for now, I just know that I have to live with whatever he decides. I know I'm still important to him but now he has made it so much more complicated because he truly cares so much for someone else and doesn't want to let her go.

My goal is to not pursue him at all. Not pressure him about what his decision should be and wait it through with a happy heart. If he makes the choice completely on his own to stay with me, not because of guilt, then I know that is the answer I want and we can work that much better. Pray for me, please!!