Needing some guidance...

[Accuray]

Deep breath jks. It is true that H was not working on your marriage at all when he was with OW. That's the hardest part for the LBS, all our monumental efforts will do nothing when OW is involved.

At this point he's told you he wants to end it with OW, but he's having a hard time pulling the trigger. I would encourage you to continue to give him space and not push him to do things on your timeline. Do you want him to end it because he wants to, or because you "made him"?

Let him figure it out for himself.

Affairs are intoxicating -- it literally releases brain chemicals like drugs or alcohol that people quite literally get physically addicted to. It's a fantasy where they put each other on a pedestal, convince each other they are wonderful and do not see their respective weaknesses. This trance-like state typically lasts a few months, then reality starts to creep in and they start to emerge from the haze.

This was not about you, and I will bet he was not comparing you to her, regardless of what he might have said to justify his actions. Chances are, he wasn't thinking of anyone but himself and OW, beyond that he just blanked it out. He didn't do it to hurt you or to spite you, unfortunately you weren't on his landscape at all.

Know that it is also normal that once you have the opportunity to get him back, you may discover you no longer want him. This is often a backlash and a temporary feeling, so sit on it for a couple weeks before you decide anything. I strongly recommend you read "After the Affair" if you haven't looked it up already because it will help you understand what to expect in terms of how you'll be feeling and what you'll be thinking.

You can't control him at this point, things will happen on their own timeline, and extreme patience is called for -- because there is nothing you can do. Filing for divorce will just be trading one pile of troubles for another. It's expensive, and both party's standard of living *always* goes down, and your life will get permanently harder. If there is any chance at all that you can work things out with H, then you owe it to yourself and your kids to at least give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, you will feel better knowing that you at least gave it a fair chance and did what you could.

What you are feeling is normal -- you're extremely angry, let down, shocked and hurt, and impatient for things to play out. H continues to disappoint you by not acting on the timeline you set forth and/or he proposed. Know that he is having a very hard time as well, he's already hurt you very badly, he's going to hurt OW very badly, and no one wants to feel like that. Yes, he made his own bed and now he has to lay in it, but that doesn't make it any easier.

He is not the person he once was and in my mind I don't know that he ever will be again.

That is true, neither of you will be the person you once were, the bell cannot be unrung. You both will be permanently changed by this no matter what happens.

Here's the thing jks, we all go through life with our issues and imperfections. Some of them make us hard to live with, some of them lead us to hurt others.

Unfortunately, people *hate* to change. From what I've read, people usually will *only* change in response to crisis. You're both having a crisis, and therefore you have motivation and an opportunity to change. Focus on you -- what can you do to address your own issues, whatever they are? If you can keep bringing it back to you, and make positive changes you are happy about, then I promise you will feel good about yourself coming out of this REGARDLESS of what H does. If he doesn't step up, it will be his loss, but you need to be that prize.

Accuray