Agreed, thank you both!! Only one email so far today, so hopefully it is a bit clearer. It's been a good day so far. Went out to lunch with a friend and now back at work. Looking forward to a busy night as well.
I agree with everything posted... I think you're doing great.
Your husband's actions should be proof to us LBSers that pursuing is NOT ATTRACTIVE.. and that DBing, although counter intuitive to our instincts, is really what works.
Keep on keeping on!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val you are so right about pursuing, it really doesn't feel good.
Update:
So last night after no contact all day, I was out when H got home from work. The kids were out as well. He seemed a little angry when I finally walked in, and I know it was because he hadn't heard back from me after emailing and texting. But he didn't ask, so I didn't say anything.
S17 needs to build a float for his prom. His HS is well known for the parade leading up to the prom. There was a book written about it and MTV is doing a documentary this year. So needless to say we are all excited to do this.
H told me that he was meeting with the guy who is going to help with the float, and do I want to go along for the meeting. Because it was for S17, I agreed to go.
I was sorry I did the minute we got there. The man we met with is a friend of ours from the marina where we have kept our boat for over 10 years. Some things came up in conversation that made me upset. H was withholding information, and the odd thing is that they are sometimes silly things that make no sense. It makes me wonder if he ever tells me the truth. He preaches honesty to the kids and can't seem to do the same.
Before leaving this morning he asked "are you ok" and I shook my head. He said "if it makes you feel any better, neither am i" I said "why in the world would that make me feel better" and he said "i was just joking" Sigh
When he got to work he emailed an apology about the withheld information/lie and said 'we can discuss communication issues in general later'. I am starting to think he really doesn't get it.
Thanks bug I've missed you here, I'm glad you're back!
I think my goal is to fully detach again, I was so much better off when I did. It may mean having nothing to do with the float but I can be involved in the prom in other ways, and I'm involved with my sons other activities.
I think I need to shift the focus back to me. I treated myself to a mani/pedi yesterday and that felt very good. Time to be nice to me for a change
I guess I am frustrated because I know it would be so much easier if he would just move out and he refuses. Remaining dark is so much tougher under the same roof/in same bed.
I know the "leaving the marital bed/home" is a controversial topic around here but for me, I would be so worn out and stressed with that. My life is placid compared to others I read about; yes I do occasionally have rough seas but all in all, I'm pretty happy.
I'm not advocating for either, just grateful for where I am.
Hope you soon get there, too.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yes worn out and stressed is exactly how I feel, not to mention it can get confusing for both of us. He tends to try to joke or act as if nothing happened which makes me sad and angers me at the same time.
I wish it were an option but my L told me not to leave the home. I am guessing he must have gotten similar advice.
Before leaving this morning he asked "are you ok" and I shook my head. He said "if it makes you feel any better, neither am i" I said "why in the world would that make me feel better"
H has still been on his best behavior still. Yesterday he was getting frustrated with me that I wasn't answering his calls and only answering important texts. He made a comment "you are ignoring me" and I simply responded "i have been so busy" and moved on.
He's making it so incredibly hard to remain dark. I almost feel like I need to have a talk with him about boundaries. He says that he knows what he did was incredibly wrong, and he hopes that someday I can forgive him. He isn't looking for a quick/simple fix. But then he wants to act like everything is ok, and I think he is hoping that eventually I will just fall in line and be ok.
I'm not mind reading, this has been our pattern for years, sadly.
I am going to offer something a little counter to the advice here.
Ignoring over and over does not work. It frustrates the heck out of him. So he keeps up the contact. Which frustrates the heck out of you.
Do you see the issue here. It is falling out into other areas as well.
You know you cannot go dark/dim very well. You know this is affecting your health.
So why not change this up.
You know that you do not need to contact him back for each and every message.
BUT.
You also know that part of acting 'AS-IF' does not mean ignoring him.
Why not use this as a teaching moment for Mr. AL and show him how busy you really are.
He sends a bunch of texts, phone calls.
Call him back when your about to, or doing something.
At the grocery store. Call him back where all the carts are being wheeled about.
Leaving to go do something. Call him just before you get there.
You know he has a meeting or something. Call him 60 seconds before he goes into it.
And make the conversation short.
"Hi Mr.AL just returning your calls /texts. What's up" Then just listen to what he is saying. As soon as you get a pause or change in thought. Interrupt. " I am about to do this ______ so I can only talk for another minute." If its not important then just say.
"Gotta run. Have a great day"
If it is important then just say.
"Can we talk about this later. Have a great day"
End the conversation.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I've missed you here, I'm glad you're back!
