rick - do you mean where do i literally come from, as in which place - or where did what i write come from?
i am going to take the very brave step of assuming first that your question is a compliment? thank you - with a big grin and a bow
(one of the hardest things all my life was accepting a compliment, and now i'm not sure when it is one but i'm doing a 180 for myself and while laughing at myself abit accepting yours)
thank you:)
just like labug - i read pema chodron - repeatedly , and listen to her tapes. even though i know i have some memory issues, i swear every time i reread her books, its like i'm reading it for the first time on a completely different level
also, even though i don't post a lot, i read a lot of threads, and rick, i have never been so inspired in my life to be a better person until i read what all the brave wonderful people here write.
it's not just a roller coaster anymore - its a rolling stone - where each insight leads to the next and the next - and every time i get on here, something hits me when i read it - always always find something that helps me tremendously at just the right time that i need it.
so this place and the people here are teaching me to trust, and to be patient and to love and to be okay with myself
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.
are you, like, my twin or something?
Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...
something i've been thinking about recently - that h is mirroring now what i was until i woke up. your words above fit me so well until the bomb, and now they fit h so well....
i'm glad you picked that book up again. i am rereading 'The wisdom of no escape" again after several months and the chapter on renunciation really is relevant now. it's like you said - only ready to absorb it when you're ready to do it
i'm sure in a few months when i read it agin, it will be from a very different place.
learning to trust the path and not the goal - i'm just starting to realize is the point and what i should aim for, and in doing that the goal becomes irrelevant.
one thing to know it and write it down, quite another to practice it from second to second.
i love that you quoted here, and shared with all of us. each moment that i am functioning from a compassionate place, is one more moment that i am my higher self
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Thanks everyone for your insight and helping me dig deeper. The stuff in the garage is a dead issue for now.
I posted a bit on ces's thread about why I've continued on my path of being married but not in a marriage. I've been separated for over a year with very minimal contact with H and most people ask, "WHY?"
The bomb was the catalyst for me to wake up and save my life. No, I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.
Today I started re-reading When Things Fall Apart(Chodron) and am so happy I picked it up again. I first read it in the month or 2 after the bomb and it was difficult for me because I wasn't ready to face impermanence or contemplate letting go.
I opened the book to a random page and read this: "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."
I read that over and over, even highlighted it.
In the course of this year I have had to face my fear, my anger, my guilt, my shame, again and again. I've learned to accept those feelings as a part of me, but they are not me. Feel it, accept it, move on.
Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...
From the book: "...things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
Amazing Post Bug, really resonates w/ me!!!!
Regarding your h's things, this is what you told me when I was dealing with a similar situation.
Bug- Why not just say: "Pick a day and come over and get some things"?
I know the circumstance is different and you have already moved beyond this issue but it goes to the point you made that we are befuddled by every little thought, sign, and action of our own sitch (at least I have been) yet we are able to see things much clearer when other people are going through similar things.
Hi labug - I hope you had a fun and peaceful day today!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.
I can recall with tremendous frustration trying to convey this to my W. Despite my repeated attempts, I could not find the words and it just kept getting worse and it destroyed me. I was very close to the "end." I've seen so many parallels with the two of us Bug. I'm so happy you have recognized this behavior, because you have helped me in turn - thanks!
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
