I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation. I realize I can come off as needy, clingy, paranoid. These attributes would never work in the dating scene. Why would I think they would work in making my wife want me more than anything else?
If I'm weak, she senses it. If I'm not attractive in every aspect of my life she will not pursue. I need to be on top of everything in this. I need to be alpha - of sorts. It's my choice to be confident or not, attractive or not, strong, decisive, funny, calm, soft-spoken, etc.
In becoming all these things it becomes her loss. I should become such that I think, is she even worthy of me? Look at everything I have to offer. It's my power and I won't give it to her - or no one for that matter.
No longer will I let paranoia control my thoughts. No longer will I let anxiety rule my actions. She will do what she wants to do and if it's lie and cheat then that's her choice. If I'm not in "Game On" mode then she has no reason to do otherwise. I have to want it so bad it hurts. It's my goal to make her need me, not the other way around. I have to be everything she would hate to lose.
But by being needy, clingy, soft, she really has no need to change or pursue me. I'm there in her face. And when she sees me she sees a weakling.
No longer.
I'm stepping back and starting over. Worry, doubt, fear, paranoia will be weakened by starvation. When I feel these emotions creep in I will do everything in my power to starve them. I will not feed them any longer. Today I am going to walk a little taller, sit up straighter, shoulders pulled back, chest out, with a slight smile, be a little funnier, speak a little softer, be more conscious of my surrounding, be a people person, a guy others are drawn to. I will dress better, smell better, eat better, work out better, sleep better, BE better.
In the end, it's her loss if she chooses to lie and cheat. Ultimately, I will gain more by being a true bad-*ss in all of this than anything.
Oh ... don't get me wrong, my goal is to make her want me than she's ever wanted anything - ever. But it isn't going to happen unless I become the "IDGAF" guy. I need this more for me though. Right now.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
