Cadet, you mean the post about "The Solo Partner"? I'm a bit confused, perhaps because I don't know about that book.
Or perhaps you mean to say that H is looking for me to display my "old" behavior? If that's the case, I completely understand you. Me not talking and me walking away (which is exactly what I did today when H was here, albeit in a nice way) is def new in our relationship, and it must confuse him. So if that's what you meant, you are very correct.
I got some other advice here today, which was to answer H in more complete sentences than "S4 is fine, everything's fine" in order for him to see what he's missing, which I did and which didn't really seem right somehow. I don't know, it simply seemed "more of the same". Being a bit elusive seem to be the ticket - at least for now. The less I speak and text the better. And for me, that's also a huge 180.
Makes me think of this old verse: "There once was an owl who sat on an oak the more he saw, the less he spoke the less he spoke, the more he heard I want to be like that wise, old bird."
I'm so thankful that you are looking out for me, I feel very alone in all this. Thank you. I will start drinking coffee with a fork again tomorrow morning - again.
Yes it is in the first paragraph about the book. Read the advice carefully and do the same thing. I would not expect you to know anything about the book.
For that matter if we all understood this stuff we would not be here at all. Right?
Something I have learned about MLC is
"Trust the Process"
MLC is a developmental growing process. If they are in MLC then they MAY eventually grow out of it. The problem is the amount of TIME that it takes. Most people do not want to invest the TIME.
I think that you are on the right track with your 180, keep it up.
Cadet, I'm still not sure what paragraph. Could you repost here? BTW, I ordered the book.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Try google searching for the title of the book with the word mlc. You are correct that their is no e-book, and the book may be out of print. You do not need to buy it. And understand that this book is a relationship book, not one on MLC. If you find any information on it, like a book review, then you might register for that website.
I have read this entire thread. Seems like you are activating your capacity to change very quickly. I’m very proud of you and you have my support. Congratulations on all of the wonderful parenting you are giving S. If nothing else H bears witness to you being a wonderful mom.
Your H’s behavior is confusing, from following you around to the conversation with S. If it is any consolation, there appears to be some level (despite how small) that your H is responding in ways that invite a warmer interaction or at least concern for you. My H can’t even stand looking at me in the eyes; he hates my new glam, sex-pot look. The less of me he can see the stronger it makes him feel, I think.
As a DB newbie, maybe you have advice I am not thinking of at these earliest of stages.
P
M: 39, H: 38 D: 4 Together: 19 Y Married: 9 Y Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary) Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday) OW: confirmed, they live together already
P, The only thing that seems to work (at least for now) is for me to act the complete opposite from how I've been acting in the past. And to beat him to the punch, whether it's a conversation or leaving or whatever. And to act a bit distracted.
For instance, he knows I am very concerned with the papers for S's kindergarten. Well, I just let it all go, and that forces him to act instead. Today H took S to get the health check-up that's needed, he packed the bag with snacks and books for the train ride, because I didn't do any of it, and acted as if I hadn't thought about doing it either.
I also try for some "surprise" every time H comes around, whether it's rearranging the furniture or not being here at all (but in the park) or having some new music on or burning incense (something I never did before) - something, anything, that's "not the same". Perhaps he thinks I've just lost it, I don't know.
It helps that I am sort of around when he's here, but that I have the option to leave should I want to. Today he said that he wanted to go retrieve S's dental records on Friday, I just shrugged. He's very used to having me confirm his actions, so no more of that.
I'm not saying this actually helps in any way, but it does change the dynamics of our R. H might also be concerned that I might take S back home (Europe) at the end of the year, which I did talk about prior to DB, and he might think that if S is established in school, it means we will stay here. Well, tough luck, it doesn't necessarily. If I go it's not at all to punish H, I should add, but because I have a greater support net there with family. I have nobody here except H and S.
In general I am secretive or vague about all my plans.
Cadet, I googled the title of the book and mlc and read about it. I am def the Pursuer in our R and H is the Distancer. I shall read more. Thank you, that was an eye-opener.
Cadet, I googled the title of the book and mlc and read about it. I am def the Pursuer in our R and H is the Distancer. I shall read more. Thank you, that was an eye-opener.
Glad you found the book review. Re-read MY advice and follow all of it.
