Husband left me...feel hopeless

[Accuray]

Stephanie,

You lost me when you changed your screenname, sorry about that! I was wondering where your thread went. In any case, you are doing a lot of pursuing, every time he turns around you're there for him. You're getting a lukewarm reception because you're still not giving him space -- you're texting him, you're asking him on dates, you're at his parents house, you're calling him, etc.

I completely understand why you're doing it, it *feels* like the right thing to do. It feels like you're doing something to establish how much you love him and want him back.

Here's the thing -- he knows how you feel. You've made yourself very clear -- you want him. As long as he knows that, there's really no reason for him to check in with you. He can do his own thing, try to "find himself", and take as long as he wants, because he knows that if he decides to come back, you'll be waiting on the front porch with open arms. Unfortunately, that allows you to be "out of mind", because he knows exactly what your mental state is.

If you stop contacting him for a few weeks, or better yet, stop answering HIS calls and texts, then he's going to wonder what's going on. That wondering will bring you into his thoughts more and more and will influence how he's feeling about the situation. You must make him wonder, and you do that by not being transparent, and definitely not by pursuing.

You also want to shake things up, get a different hairstyle, dress differently, when he sees you, you want him to think twice about what you're up to and why you look different. If he calls or texts, wait until the next day to respond unless it's an emergency, and be brief and vague in your reply.

It will NOT hurt your sitch if he starts to wonder if you've moved on. That will actually help, and that is counter-intuitive. If you can be happy and carefree and non-committal when you see him, that's what you want.

Think of him like a work acquaintance and have the same expectations you would have of someone in that situation -- you're going to be friendly and cordial, you're not going to be overly personal. If you extend an invitation and they decline, you're really not going to care at all. To a work acquaintance you wouldn't say "let's go get ice cream together", you'd say "I'm going to go get ice cream, do you want to come?" The point is, no matter what they say, you're going anyway, so their response just isn't that important.

At this point, you shouldn't even be making those casual overtures. I would definitely recommend going completely dark, as much for him as for you. It will force you to detach and figure out how to pick yourself back up on your own -- that's where you need to get.

It will be painful -- grit your teeth. If you feel you just can't do it, then put a date on your calendar three weeks from today and allow yourself to text H on that day. If you're tempted to reach out, look at the calendar and remind yourself that you'll have a chance.

There is no need to reinforce how you feel at this point -- he knows!

Accuray