Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

That's amazing! I have a difficult time understanding why you thought you were suppose to do half of the chores even though she was a SAHM. Did you see your dad doing that when you were growing up?

She makes a distinction between 'housewife' and SAHM. The former involves the particulars of housekeeping: laundry, cooking, vacuuming, cleaning. In this context, she will tell you clearly she's a terrible housewife and loathes the concept. The latter SAHM is a different framework: childcare, the kids laundry, picking up after the kids, dropping off/picking up, doing their laundry, making them food. In that context, she's an awesome SAHM.

Regarding my dad when I was growing up, I do recognize the amount of time he spent doing "housework" in a broad context. He constantly was fixing things, updating cabinetry, painting, building a patio/porch, did all the landscaping and outdoor maintenance, took care of the autos. I'd say there was a fair balance between them from this perspective.

I wonder if she thought she could not please you with how she kept house, cooked, etc. You did everything, taking all responsibility from her. Instead of her appreciating it, she may have resented it and thought you had no confidence in her abilities.

Maybe, but my sense is she didn't resent it. Instead, she came to expect it. I gave her a life of leisure where she could pursue her art, including paying huge $'s for her acting schooling. I bought the house, the cars, the insurance, everything--but I don't feel any sense of gratitude for these things from her.

Part of it is also my sense that sacrifice is a behavioral aspect of love. This doesn't mean sacrificing myself, but providing for her desires even when they might conflict with my desires. For example, working at a crappy but good paying job.

Maybe I'm just a sucker. Maybe she's done with me because she's gotten everything she ever wanted from me, including kids and now a career (for the first time). If that's the case, I think she might be in for a rude awakening when she has to do 100% (that is 100% half of the time if we were to have joint custody) of the housework, work full-time--or more, all the finances, take care of the kids alone, and have no spousal emotional support. I'm kinda suspecting that a part of the WAW is a fantasy of freedom, but the reality for us both is that it will be met with an onslaught of obligation on top of emotional struggle.

Another thought is that some people have a hard time respecting the one who does everything for them. Kind of like a spoiled child whose parents never make him do anything. When the kid grows up, he is terrible! He thinks others should do his work for him b/c he was never made to do it. I have actually known women who had H's that were like you, and the women had no sexual attraction for them and did not respect them.

Yeah, I could see that. I'm not confident this is the case with us--maybe, I just don't know. It's hard to write about these things and they can come across much too generalized. For instance, she's definitely worked very hard to be a really good SAHM. Her lack of specific sexual attraction I believe is more related to her being a survivor of sexual abuse as a teen.

Congrats on going 30 days without drinking! Do you have a support group or going to AA?

Thanks! It feels good. I don't feel the need for an AA support group at this point. In other words, I'm not confident I have a chronic drinking "problem", but I damn sure was drinking too much those few months just to cope. Hell, I had to have a drink just to approach her intimately and not be anxious of being rejected again.

Heh, all that probably reads "denial"...

More than anything, I definitely need to not have more depressants in my life right now. It's part of my GAL for the time being. I've been looking for SmartRecovery groups in my area though, as well as group D support.