Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

First, "giving space" doesn't need to mean "aloof and distant", it can also mean "pleasant and independent" -- that's really what you're going for. Think of it like applying a "friend standard" -- what level of intimacy do you expect from your friends at work? You probably don't expect them to kiss or hug you. When you try to engage them and they're not interested, you don't care that much. It's like "hey, I'm going to get a cup of coffee, do you want to go?" If they say "no", you go anyway and don't give it a second thought. There is no reason for them to feel guilty for not joining you. That's the space you want to give -- there is no reason to feel guilty for not engaging with you. You have no expectations about things you're "owed" or what your friend "should do for you".

Does that distinction make sense?

Completely and I totally agree. I like this lens; I wasn't really thinking of it in that way.

Where I'm still unsure about this approach is really nuance.
For instance, should I even give her a hug if she looks like she would need one; should I initiate any sort of non-seductive and non-threatening physical contact at any time, like a kiss on the forehead goodnight or a simple touch on her head like I do the kids, etc.

In other words, I'm concerned that I could come off in her eyes looking even more neglectful.

Here's a good example. Last Saturday was her birthday. I've not been pursuing for at least 2 weeks. It would be unusual for me not to celebrate her birthday, or for that matter one of her friends. I gave her a surprise hot air balloon ride--and made it very clear that it wasn't a date, it would have other people 100% of the time, and no matter happens we need to find a way to just be comfortable with each other. She was pleasantly surprised and seemed to have a good time. I also made dinner (which I usually do anyway).

But, I'm unclear if this was really a good idea or not.

You need W to "see" a future with you where you are a fun, strong, independent person who's going to add more to her life than you detract. There is *nothing* you can do to paint that picture with words, you can only demonstrate it with actions, and those actions need to be repeated again and again and again. It's like retraining. If you teach your dog to "speak" and give him a treat when he does, you may find that his barking becomes annoying. If you now just don't give him a treat you haven't retrained him, he views it as an exception to the rule. Only through never rewarding barking again and instead rewarding other behaviors do you change the dog's perception of your relationship.

GAL.
Be consistent.
Also, stop my barking...

Although you felt your first post was long, it wasn't long enough. More details are better. Here are some things to think about and maybe post about:
1) What patterns have defined your marriage, both good and bad?

I'm only now starting to see these things, and I'm having a hard time thinking of *patterns* which are positive. The most positively reinforcing thing, which will sound odd, is a pattern of spontaneity of travel, seeing concerts, having fancy dinner, surprise gifts, etc.

Negatively, we have a pattern where I seek emotional support, she doesn't provide it, I get frustrated/angry, she gets passive aggressive, and nothing ever gets resolved.

2) What initially brought you together?
3) What do you have in common?
4) What makes you individuals in your marriage?
5) What do you respect most about each other?
6) If you envision your future with W, what does it look like?

I'll come back on these later...these are thoughtful questions and I need to think about these more as to not give flip responses.

Your expectations right now are your worst enemy. You will expect that whatever you "do" to improve the situation should make things better on some "reasonable" timeline. Unfortunately, your actions will have less impact than you expect for far longer than you would like. Expect that there are no guarantees. Expect that W owes you nothing and may choose not to engage. Expect that whatever effort you put into improving yourself will pay off in one way or another, either with W or without her.

This is a hard pill to swallow, obviously. I don't have timeframe expectations. I do have a sense that she's hiding something that helps explain the sudden jump to divorce (some hidden trauma, that the pregnancy wasn't mine, a PA or EA, I have no idea) and I'm trying very hard to let it go inside myself and let it come to the surface naturally.

I'm doing my damnedest to GAL, as I plan to have a L no matter what.