'Normal rules' do not seem to apply to MLCers, like asking permission. It is part of their grandiosity and general detachment from what the rest of us see as reality. That is, that actions have consequences, and we have to live with those.
Over filing. I know that the conventional wisdom is that we let them do the work. I did and it wasn't a smart move financially for me, and I am not sure it did anything emotionally for either of us. As for work - well beyond filing there is a ton of work on both sides in a divorce, if there are any assets. .
I know that those who reconcile say wait, but the fact is that most of us don't reconcile, and we have the rest of our lives to live. Those of us who are older do not have many more years to sort ourselves out financially, so financial security is important. My xh has been in MLC now for almost 7 years and shows not a sign of coming out. And you could not have had a more loving husband and caring father than he was. I am not trying to be a downer, and we all have to decide for ourselves, but I truly believe that very few make it through MLC who have it badly enough for us to come to these boards. I suspect the figures we see are based on those who have a fling but never mean to jeopardise all they have. Certainly the friends whose h's had a mild MLC were nothing like my xh in their intensity, and total change of personality.
The good news is that I can now look back on the good times, love my husband unconditionally and let him go, and get on with my life. Which is why I don't post much, but I do still read along, and feel such compassion for all who are going through this. It is tough, bewildering, and we often wonder where we will end up. The only answer I can give is 'better than OK'. Some get together long term with another person, but many of us stay single. I have come to relish my freedom, and build a network of friends.
