Sorry for the late response to your post/questions. Your post was very emotional for me.. As always, you continue to push me to look at myself which was needed.. but it's only now that I feel like I can answer you.
I'm scared that my w has something up her sleeve in regards to the insurance check. We have a few last items to settle, the car, income tax returns, etc.. and I am afraid that she is going to give me less than we agreed on.. because of this.
It's not your job to "fight hard to love" someone who has left your life. "Every decision" you make is trying to want what's best for HER? Why on earth are YOU doing that?
It's partly caz that's what I do. Partly because I want to love like how God loves. Unconditionally w/o expectations. I do not believe in returning anger for anger.. and I'm angry. So I fight hard to not let my negative feelings turn into negative actions.
..and as for wanting what's best for her...
I mean that I want her to be healthy, to get better. I want her to find peace through working her 12 step program. Even though she has left my life.. doesn't mean I don't want her to be happy.
But I get what you're saying and you're right. It's time I take care of myself and make myself happy. I have long forgotten how to take care of myself... especially with her. I'm getting there.. but it's baby steps.
what is this fear you refer to so often? IS she stalking you? Or is it all past events? Or your fear of truly letting go or what?
She doesn't stalk me at all.. Fear of what she will say or do. It's from recognizing from past events why I acted the way I did.. and seeing that she hasn't really changed at all. Whatever she feels, she "takes out" on me.....
.... while we were together.. at least there was some barrier to stop herself.. but now that we are apart and she is more self-involved then ever... she is unpredictable.
The reasons she uses to justify her actions is not based on fact of things I have previously done.. only fear that I will start sticking up for myself.
IE: Thinking I would get a lawyer. I've expressed multiple times that I wouldn't and I have been peaceful for the most part. I do not know why she feared I would.. but I do know that it does motivate her actions....
.. and those actions hurt me... so I'm scared of them. Maybe it comes from the fact.. that I just don't think like her. I have grown in the last year.
When I am wrong. I say it. When I need to change, I work on it. I do not blame others for my imperfections. I do not "punish" people for their actions.
I do not lash out when people say things that hurt me. And the list goes on.
b/c you are now cynical or assume the worst of her? Does this help you in any way? Does fearing and negating her motives actually protect you
or do you tell yourself that, b/c it helps you to have low expectations?
Can you see that maybe you can accept her good behaviors AND NOT learn to expect more,
but just to welcome the good you do get, and not be disappointed by not getting more?
Right now it protects me emotionally... and since I've started doing it.. has protected me financially.
I need a heart change here to get to the latter of accepting her good behaviors and NOT learn to expect more. I need to truly forgive her and although I'm working on it.. it's going to be awhile...
.. and the process is slowed when the same dynamic still lingers. It would be easy to forgive her for things she has done to me.. but it's not the past.. it's happening in the present.. and that is MUCH harder for me.
Granted there is very little communication left.. but it still doesn't make me look forward to it.
Enough about HER...seriously... how about you "GAL the sh!! out of the weekend coming"??
Exactly.. that's how I was feeling. I cried out here and broke down infront of my pastor and then I started picking myself up. (That part is for another post).
I appreciate what said about how you felt I have "checked" most of the things off the list.
I'm not saying that I have done all that I can.. or that you are saying that.. but the way you have pushed me to grow in the past 11 months is a different technique than others on the board. It was often that you were the lonely voice going against everything else I was being told. To keep loving and to keep fighting and to not look at myself...
... I felt like you were like a "tough loving mom"... so when I heard you say "it's okay to walk away"... I felt God was just using you to say.. it's ok Val.. you did your best.
So I don't know what the answer is to the question about what the fight is about.. but I do have the answer that I'm done fighting so hard.
I just want to enjoy life. To spend time with the people that love me and want to be in my life.. and if I'm angry at my w for awhile that she chose not to.. so be it. I know I will not act on those feelings and that I don't hate her.
but I will continue to deal with her.. because I need to.. to get healthy.
I need to look at how I allowed a person to dictate my self worth. That I allowed someone to beat me down, tell me I wasn't good enough, treat me like I wasn't good enough.. and make excuses for hurting me.
I need to deal with how I allowed it to happen but also deal with the feelings that it brings up towards her....
... so I NEVER get into a relationship like that AGAIN. I don't want to be someones 2nd best. I don't want to not be worth fighting for or apologizing to.
... and yes I still have to see her to tie up the lose ends. It sukks as I'd rather not see her at all.. but I don't have a choice as there are things we need to co-sign together.
Thank you so much for the post.. and for being on this journey with me 25. Maybe I'll run into you at the Laugh Factory.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
