You know I've been so stumped as to what I really need to do to really work on myself through all of this. What's so interesting is that as time goes by and as my perspective gets a little different, the work I really need to do isn't what I was thinking it would have to be.
See Im very black and white about certain things. I honestly thought that because of this Vortex of MLC hell my stbx husband is going through, that I caused it somehow. Or that I was really a horrible wife and I had to learn what I did wrong so as to never do it again. But see I don't see it that way now.
What I need to work on in regards to myself is being a better person to myself and take better care of myself. RELATIONSHIP OR NO RELATIONSHIP. RECONCILLIATION OR NO RECONCILLIATION. I feel my work I need to do is to learn to be true to MYSELF. I lost my identity in my marriage and the drama of my life the past 7 years. I've done for everyone else but myself. Quite frankly after all that's happened it was bound for me to lose myself. If my Husband were still here, and his behavior essentially the same, I feel I'd still be enduring it all, trying to fix us or essentially fix him by being someone I truly am not.
Pieces are coming together now. I have absolutely no regrets in marrying my husband. As I look back on things, I really look at our marriage as something good. Maybe Im re writing history, or slapping my rose colored glasses back on, but right now I choose to think of the good things that were so great that really did bond us together. When I think of the bad things and the marriage starting to fall apart, I see that it all had to do with our individual perspectives. I choose to see the beauty in all things. I choose to attempt to rebuild and restore what is broken or wearing out. Where as my Husband was in such a dark place all he could see was the bad things, and just throwing it away and walking away would be the easiest thing to do. Maybe for some people that are very talented at putting their heads in the sand and projecting everything can get away with this and feel what they did was the best thing. I know he felt I was responsible for all his misery, but I now know I was not. I still feel bad that he thought this, and that his perspetive is/was so twisted.
You know I guess the only thing I really, really want out of this is for my husband to really understand that I did ( well and do, but it's kinda different now) love him so much. At times I think he would start to get that message but would fight it even harder because if he gave in it would mean he was trapped forever....you know that good old MLC stuff, hence the insane spewing and all.
I still miss who I remember as my friend...it's so horrible. Can you believe I've known this man since I was 13 years old? I can still see him there in front of me as a 15 year old guy eating french fries. I still won't ever forget how I was stuck like lightening when I knew I would marry him when I saw him again at 18 years old.
So who knows? Maybe right now we have to go on our own journeys and learn in our own ways that gives us the best lesson for us as individuals and how we learn best. Maybe we'lll come back together some day and be able to share about our roads traveled and bond again. I would dearly love that. But for now, I just give it all to God. He's in charge, and he's working on the both of us. Or maybe he's working on other people to cross our paths that will be our next companions in our new lives. Who knows!
