I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[Denver_2010]

[quote=breakdownbill

Hi Denver

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my sitch & currently as things stand my wife is openly admitting to me that she is going back to dancing on Thursday & will be dancing with the OM and that she doesn't care. (well she knows how I feel about it, so if she's saying she doesn't care- she has zero respect for me - I won't be used anymore)

My counselling sessions have revealed to me just how unhappy I have been in our marraige for a long time too, I just didn't deal with it.

Last week I was 100% for saving my marraige, but right now I'm 50 / 50 at best. The holiday text - was a big thing to me, because she put herself before the kids & she went down even further in my estimation as a decent human being.

The person my wife has turned into isn't the person I married and unless we both seriously worked at our communication and problem solving behaviour - nothing will change.

My Wife said that she has done what other people want her to do all her life, but no more she is doing what she wants to do. (I'm done pleading for another chance)

My only hopes of a future reconciliation are 3 fold

If between now & May when my UNI work is over, and my W has second thoughts about the separation.

If she realises that when I'm gone things feel different and incomplete

If our holiday reunites our bond as a family and a couple

Oh and if the OM either drops dead or they lose interest.

But then I need to factor in me, every day of hurt makes me question why I'm putting myself through this. What am I fighting for? a Wife who has helped make me feel miserable for the last few years and cheated on me, that shows little signs of remorse? If it wasn't for the kids, I question whether I would still be here now after all this crap.

I deserve better than that, we all do.

I'm detaching, I'm venting here, but I'm faking being happy around my W (well today I did at least), I might feel different tomorrow or next week,but right now I feel a lot of resentment towards my wife. But we get days like this right?
[/quote]

Hi Bill. I completely understand what you are feeling right now. I have had many days and moments where I have wondered what I was fighting for. Why I was fighting for someone who did not want me at that moment.

For me, it was 3 things that kept me going:

1) My acknowledgment that I played a great role in putting my M in jeopardy by not cherishing my W and treating her as she should have been treated. While I have never excused my W's decision to leave the M or her the choices that she made afterwards, it did allow me to have understanding. To know that she is a vulnerable human being, prone to error... as we all are... just as I was before (and am still).

2) My marriage vows. "... in good times and in bad" ... what did that mean to me? I had to answer that for myself early on in my situation. When I vowed to be with my w for the rest of my life, did I mean only until things got rough? Through sickness and in health... did that mean only physical sickness, or did it also mean depression, sadness, or my W losing her way in life. For me, it was a matter of what my word, my promise, to my W meant to me. And I also recognized that I had already broken my vow to cherish my W. I had to learn to forgive myself for that. Something that I am still working on.

3) The idea that iron is forged from fire. I decided that if my M could survive this, that it would ultimately be much, much stronger as a result. An affair is probably the single most difficult problem that a M can face... save maybe the death of a child. Can they survive and thrive, yes. There are stories here on this board of that happening. There are numerous books written on the subject. I decided that I wanted a M made of iron forged by fire. That's what I've chosen to strive for. As a result, I have learned tons about how difficult M is... how difficult being with one single person for our entire lives is. Can we really expect that there aren't going to be difficult times, that we aren't going to have to face the fact that we aren't always going to travel the exact same path as our spouse. We each are going to grow and change as the years pass. Bad things are going to happen. Poor choices are going to be made. But man, if I am with my W, my partner, at the end, if we have lived a life together that is happy for even 80% of that time, it will have been worth it. And what is a year, even two, when compared to 30, 40, 50, years together? It is a blip in the grand scheme of things.

4) Unconditional love. This is a concept that I had never really considered or thought about. What is it? This post from Truegritter's threads hit home with me and caused me to A LOT of reflection on what type of love I wanted to give and receive through the remainder of my life:

"We understand that what our spouse is doing is not to us. It is because of their fears and insecurities. It is because, in part, the way we have behaved. It is because most of all what THEY feel inside.

We understand that we have no control over this.

It is their choice and not about you BUT why would you want to stay in this because it still is causing you pain?

Why is it still causing you pain? What are we missing?

We all want to feel loved. We think about it, hope for it, fantasize about it, go to great lengths to achieve it, and feel that our lives are incomplete without it. The lack of unconditional love is the cause of most of our anger and confusion. It is no exaggeration to say that our emotional need for unconditional love is just as great as our physical need for air and food.

We learned that love was conditional, that we had to get it from the people around us with our words and behavior. And that is how we perceive it when it is given. We give then expect to get it.

Isn’t our marriage based on this? Isn’t this where it derailed?

If we leave now [AND IN THIS WAY] we confirm our ignorance of what love means and confirm that to our spouse that your love was not real but dependent and conditional.

You confirm again all the self loathing your spouse feels inside because the person that is supposed to love them hasn’t, won’t, and never will. You also confirm this most importantly in YOURSELF.

We want to know the mystery of love. The mystery of our marriage. To know ourselves.
To remove self doubt.

When you do that you begin to understand why you are standing for your spouse and your marriage.

And you start to learn what real love is.

Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also when other people care about our happiness unconditionally.

And what it is not
It is not what we have lived in our life and our marriage up to now. It is not controlling. It does not desire and force. It does not depend on action or inaction from our spouse.

And so as we let this soak in and as it takes hold we discover an amazing thing and it gives life to us and breaths hope into our spirits and that is:

Unconditional love is when we love despite the foolish choices of our spouse, when they fail to do what we desire, regardless of any choice they make. This love alone has the power to heal all wounds, deliver self respect and remove all doubt for you and your spouse. It allows love and healing to flourish.
This is how we need to be loved.

And this is the paradox.
That we only get this when we give it.

And now is the opportunity.

There is no GREATER opportunity you will ever have in your life then NOW to express this kind of love.

To do this takes greater courage than most people will ever understand and will ever know.

And you have received this wonderful gift only by going through the experience. By the trial.
By the tragedy.

What greater thing could you aspire to do.
EVER."


I'm not here to convince you of anything Bill, but the easy choice is not always the right choice.

What you have to decide man is whether or not your W and your M is worth it. No one can answer question but you.

Denver