Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

Updates:

So interesting few days. W is very much an emotional mess right now, says she hates her life and all the pressure and everything is so hard (umm yeah, no kidding, I warned you early on this was going to be way harder and hurt way more then either of us could imagine...not said to her, just in my mind). W says she was so sure of her path and what she wanted, so sure and ready to put deposit on apt. and move ahead with plans to move out come June...but email from her mom changed some things, speaking to SIL with D parents (who said she still questions why her parents got D and is still hurt by it), seeing the happiness of our kids in our home together (and my positive interactions with them) and maybe some pressure from OM (who apparently was not "done with all this" last week...not surprising to me, heard this before about 4 times now, but last night laid down something like "maybe we should just be friends") all seems to be taking the toll on her.

W says she sees she is not being a great mother to our kids right now, she is beginning to really worry about the effect a D will have on them, she worries about how her mom and I will feel about her if she does move out/D (asked me last night if I would be mad with her..."umm yeah, I am not going to be happy about it and not going to be super friendly to you, and we will have to see how things go". I believe she is more and more starting to see the flaws in her fairytale and the hard realities that might come with big choices like this (mind reading a bit, but also from her telling me these things). Good info - she said one of her biggest fears is being left and left alone again...she felt I checked out on our marriage long ago and made her feel alone for a long time and that she doesn't want to be out on her own, alone, maybe trying to date at this point in her life. I validated and said she was right about how I treated her in the past, and I was sorry about that, and I have learned from that and I am going to be a much better partner for someone in the future (could be her, could be someone else). Also helped to reinforce the point for her, which she brought up, that she needs to make this decision without considering the OM being in the picture in the future...again I lightly said I really don't see it working anyway given everything, and she is clearly seeing some of the issues with him starting to develop in the talks (she joked/cried that he was breaking up with her already with the "lets just be friends" bit).

I am not getting my hopes up, not setting expectations (other then preparing myself to live life for me as best as I can going forward). I find it interesting, and am sort of glad my W is struggling with these questions and issues...she is worried about the kids (good) and is really trying to figure out what she needs to do and how all the pieces fit in that puzzle...I am not sure it will lead to us trying to R (and I could still see her needing to get out on her own to have life teach her some lessons), but just really interesting new developments in her thoughts...and her sharing fully with me. She said she feels comfortable with me, and is glad she can talk about things even though it is "weird" because other couples/men going thru this wouldn't act like this. She also said "why can't you be horrible to me, it would make things a lot easier". So I am glad my blend of giving her space while also adding some 180's like listening, not fixing, not judging, being there for her...are making her question and think.

I find it a bit strange for me that although I think overall I would want to work with my W on building a new R together...I think I was getting more and more prepared and comfortable with the impending separation in June and what my life could be like moving forward from that. So her now questioning that path in some ways has me worried, apprehensive, unsure...I guess I may have just been getting more accepting of what looked to be a fairly sure thing, and now their might be different options (and a path that could be a lot harder in some ways). Overall I believe I want to work on R with my W because I believe it is the best thing for our kids...I believe we could create love and happiness with each other again...W is not there yet.

So in for another interesting night of observation and maybe being there for her as best as I can right now. I want to show her a bit of the man I have and am becoming without throwing myself too much back into the mix just yet. She did choose to sleep in the bed last night (non eventful and non issue for me), so it will be interesting to see if she chooses the same tonight. Baby steps, could be some positive things happening...time will tell