Dagnabit!

[labug]

Thanks everyone for your insight and helping me dig deeper. The stuff in the garage is a dead issue for now.

I posted a bit on ces's thread about why I've continued on my path of being married but not in a marriage. I've been separated for over a year with very minimal contact with H and most people ask, "WHY?"

The bomb was the catalyst for me to wake up and save my life. No, I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.

Today I started re-reading When Things Fall Apart(Chodron) and am so happy I picked it up again. I first read it in the month or 2 after the bomb and it was difficult for me because I wasn't ready to face impermanence or contemplate letting go.

I opened the book to a random page and read this: "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."

I read that over and over, even highlighted it.

In the course of this year I have had to face my fear, my anger, my guilt, my shame, again and again. I've learned to accept those feelings as a part of me, but they are not me. Feel it, accept it, move on.

Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...

From the book: "...things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."