So, I think partly there is an element of me looking at these tools and methods, and less at the uniqueness of my situation. I found a hammer, so I started pounding away as if everything was a nail. I am glad that I have this week to let my brainstorm subside. 25y, I don't appreciate you suggesting that clarity isn't right around the corner. I really feel like I'm overwhelmed, like I'm really drowning. I suspect that what I need to do right now, in my marriage and my recovery (and with my kids, job, etc.), is to surrender. I wish it were time for me to stand up and be a man. Grow a spine, enforce my boundaries... I wish it were time for me to shine and be the man that I was made to be. Write, succeed, kick bad habits, win that woman back. I suspect that this is the most important time in my life. In 20 years, I think that I will be a useful, solid man who impacts other people's lives with care and confidence and grace, or else a bit of a sniveler, that you'd prefer not to spend much time with given the choice. What is so frightening to me is I can see either result proceeding from any of the paths I'm considering right now. And I don't really know how to make decisions like that. I'm too disconnected from my heart to know what feels right. I don't have experience enough. I've identified many wise voices that resonate with me, but also come to see a pattern in my life of giving up my decisions to others, which I am coming to regard as a tragedy.
