I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[breakdownbill]

I get what you are saying Bill, but until she is shown what she stands to lose if she continues with her actions, she has no reason to reflect on her choices or change her behavior.

I would strongly advise that you NOT move out of your home. She is the one choosing this. NOT YOU.

Again, lovingly detach. You state that you are going to continue to be there for her. If you are, why would she choose to change her behavior?? She has the best of both worlds. This has been something that I have struggled balancing as well. You want to be the "lighthouse", but you also have to show some tough love. She has to see that she stands to lose her husband if she stays on the current path... but not only that, she needs to also see what she will be missing when she loses you.

I fear that she is not going to come anywhere close to seeing her life without you as long as you continue to be there for her.

You have to find a way to detach from her and show her that you are capable and willing to move on with your life happily. Otherwise, you will be spinning your wheels for a very long time.

Yes, your kids come first, but I do not see any reason why you can't take them on this vacation without your W. SHE is choosing this path Bill! Not you. There has to be consequences for that choice. One of those consequences will be that she does not get to go on nice "family" vacations. Will you continue to go on vacation with her if she Ds you? Will you continue to go on vacation if she continues on with OM?

I've lived much of this Bill. Some things I have done right, others I have not. One thing that I wish that I had done much earlier was show my W that I would not be a part of her life as long as OM was. I did not set and enforce that boundary until I was a good 8 months into my situation. I could have knocked months off of my misery had I done so. I truly believe that.

Be a good person, a good dad, take care of your duties around the house. But this person is not your W right now.

Denver

Hi Denver

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my sitch & currently as things stand my wife is openly admitting to me that she is going back to dancing on Thursday & will be dancing with the OM and that she doesn't care. (well she knows how I feel about it, so if she's saying she doesn't care- she has zero respect for me - I won't be used anymore)

My counselling sessions have revealed to me just how unhappy I have been in our marraige for a long time too, I just didn't deal with it.

Last week I was 100% for saving my marraige, but right now I'm 50 / 50 at best. The holiday text - was a big thing to me, because she put herself before the kids & she went down even further in my estimation as a decent human being.

The person my wife has turned into isn't the person I married and unless we both seriously worked at our communication and problem solving behaviour - nothing will change.

My Wife said that she has done what other people want her to do all her life, but no more she is doing what she wants to do. (I'm done pleading for another chance)

My only hopes of a future reconciliation are 3 fold

If between now & May when my UNI work is over, and my W has second thoughts about the separation.

If she realises that when I'm gone things feel different and incomplete

If our holiday reunites our bond as a family and a couple

Oh and if the OM either drops dead or they lose interest.

But then I need to factor in me, every day of hurt makes me question why I'm putting myself through this. What am I fighting for? a Wife who has helped make me feel miserable for the last few years and cheated on me, that shows little signs of remorse? If it wasn't for the kids, I question whether I would still be here now after all this crap.

I deserve better than that, we all do.

I'm detaching, I'm venting here, but I'm faking being happy around my W (well today I did at least), I might feel different tomorrow or next week,but right now I feel a lot of resentment towards my wife. But we get days like this right?

Bill