Keeping the Kids Out of It

[25yearsmlc]

evas,

like many newcomers (and me included) you are writing your posts on someone else's thread I believe.

So go to the newcomers part and select new topic. I think that's how it's done or Cadet can tell you how.

I hijacked about 3 people's threads before I realized I was not on my own.

So once you have your own thread/topic we can advise you better.

Also could you break up your posts into smaller sections, so it's easier to read and follow.

Especially for those of us who use reading glasses.

thanks and hang in there. This is a great place to be, for a lousy reason.

Any chance you can hire a DB coach? I did many things to save my m but if I could only do ONE

it'd be hiring them & coming here.

Keep posting and I'll keep an eye out for you.

My S is also showing signs of regression. But only with me, at bedtime mostly. When H comes around it's all fun and games, H never gets to see anything bad, and I don't tell him, because I know he wouldn't believe me anyway, or think it's just one of my ploys to get him to feel guilty or force him to come back.


guilt does not get them back to stay. If they come around at all, due to guilt, it converts into resentment and is aimed at the source of the guilt=you.

Trying to guilt them always backfires. They will see you as being self righteous and they'll flee farther.

Plus they'll just validate in their minds the reasons they left at first.


I sometimes feel I cannot say anything to him. When he asks about S, which he frequently does in txt mssgs, I always reply the same way: "S is fine, everything's fine!". Though obviously it is not. Whatever.

Why do you always say that?

why not give him something to miss?


I don't know how old your son is (Put that in your signature block too. It'll help summarize your sitch to refresh our memories)

but you could say "S made his first home run today!"...and that will do more than anything to make your h wish he were home...

cutting him off just hurts their r more, which is not your job. If you want to "keep the road home, paved and smooth", don't punish. It'll already be hard for your h to return to a wife who is too angry to ever forgive.

If HE believes you won't ever let go of this, then it's over b/c why should he bother trying?

I'm not saying affairs are fine. I get your pain and I AM SO SORRY...but let's figure out what to do IF you want to reconcile.

See, your h has to believe that marriage to you can be better/different than before

or he won't return....so how are YOU showing him that it can be better?

You can only change you. He's not here posting or trying to save the marriage here. YOU ARE so you are all we can work on....what are YOU doing to show him change in YOU?

Have you read the Div Remedy books? Do so please...it'll help you a lot.

I sense you want your h to know your son is suffering. Fair enough. But ask the DB coach how to get it across OR better yet let your son say it or show it.

You being the messenger of news like that, will make it seem less credible. OR your h will blame you for son's pain and say you are projecting it onto him.

There may even be A bit of truth to that. Are you helping your son feel better or not?

B/c lessening his pain is something you need to help him with.

It's not -letting your h off the hook; it's helping your son cope with loss. Don't confuse helping your son be happy, with benefitting your h even if that is also true.

Your son's happiness must be more important than your h's suffering. Right?



H is coming over tomorrow morning. I just dread when he does. Initially he was angry with me, but that has changed. Now he's just as chipper as can be. The affair is blossoming I suppose. Perhaps I sound jealous, but I am not really. I too wake up very early (but I always did). The mornings and days are usually fine, but the evenings I feel a bit lonely and depressed. I have a couple of friends who check in on me (and talk nasty about H and his actions),

does that help? We find at DB land, it's NOT helpful to have friends chime in to tell us what losers our h's are. IT hurts the cause....tell them gently that you want support in restoring your marriage, not ending it.

Well, is that what you want or not? I can't tell by your post here.



but they too must feel tired of hearing the same story: Nothing new, and I am still sitting here. I am trying to learn how to be patient (being impatient is one of my biggest flaws) - boy, is it hard. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to work and function and put meals on the table and get myself and S up and going every day in amidst all this mess. Oh well, this too shall pass. I take S to family mass in the city on Sundays, that helps. And S prays every night for Dadda to come back home.

Take charge of your life and DO some work to make this relationship better.

what were your h's complaints about you?

What did he SAY were his reasons for wanting out? ANY bit of it valid? Dig deep b/c we all have flaws but which ones bugged HIM the most?

Use that info as "intel for your recon mission" and work on yourself --DIG DEEP!


Do those 180s (opposites) that undermine his reasons for leaving.

you want to undermine his rationalizations for going.

If he said "you have a bad temper" you become "ZEN EVAS" woman...you exude calm serenity...temper? What temper?

Counter his negative images with positives...make sense?

Use this gift of time to improve and Become the best woman you can be. The best mother you can be...and

Be a woman only a fool would leave.