Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

journaling:

In terms of personal development, the past week or so has been pretty exciting for me. I've been reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More and at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I can see that it's becoming one of those life changing books that's (hopefully permanently) shifting my way of thinking.

My insight is expanding and my perspective on how I'm viewing myself and those around me is changing in ways that I had never before imagined. It's hard to explain, but I am definitely feeling a lightness in being able to put down emotions I've insisted on carrying with me for most of my life.

Then last night I was watching the season premiere of Oprah's Lifeclass. Iyanla Vanzant (love her!) was on the show talking about working through emotional pain, past or present. I cannot even begin to count the number of things she said that resonated with me. One of the things she said that struck a chord, which relates to my struggles with codependence & was in reference to Psalm 23:5, is that there's a personal responsibility to keep your cup full to overflowing: What's in the cup is for you to keep, what overflows is for everybody else. Wow!

Then there was a gentleman on the show who spoke about his struggles with being emotionally stuck in his inability to move forward and beyond his past mistakes of struggling with alcoholism, despite maintaining sobriety for over ten years. He felt his life was still in shambles, he would be homeless if it weren't for his adult daughter giving him her sofa to sleep on, he had difficulty gaining and maintaining employment, etc, etc...Iyanla Vanzant said something to him that I will never forget: "You're stuck because you've become addicted to your story." Another wow!

Anyway, after the week I've had reading this new book, combined with the insights I've gained after watching Oprah's Lifeclass last night, I became very excited about what I've learned and how positive I was feeling. I SO wanted to call H and talk to him about it. I didn't. I realized that after seventeen years, for the first time I no longer have him as my "go to" person to share and discuss these sorts of things with. Although it didn't squash my excitement, it certainly added an element of sadness, loss and lonliness. It occured to me that at this moment in my life I no longer have a "go to" person. Another void I've begun to realize. More reason to miss my H.