Just Keep Swimming

[finding nemo]

Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, lives w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need some space to think): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved Out: 2/12/12

OK, so this is my first post but I've been lurking for several weeks. I have really found lots of comfort from so many of your stories, thank you.

I guess I should start with my title - it's what I've told the kids we're doing. I asked them if you saw a tidal wave coming what are your choices - they said to run or drown. I said you could do that, but you could also swim through the wave. So, the wave is just like our problems, either let them push you down and drown you, run away from them, or work through them. We're going to work through them.

My story appears to be typical with just a few twists, like everyone. I believe my H started going through a MLC at some point 5 (ish) years ago, a few months before he turned 40. He probably would have been done with his MLC if it had not been for his mother's death about 6 months later (after having suffered with Parkinson's for 15-20 years). He had just started to come out of his mourning about 2 years later, we both had mentioned it. Within 2 months of that, his father had been admitted to the hospital and we were receiving multiple phone calls per night about how they revived him several times. We live 3-4 hours away, so I booked a flight the first morning for him to go up and be by his dad's side. He spent the next 6 months taking care of his parents' house (including paying bills and general upkeep). He stayed at my parents' house, at my insistance so that I knew my mom would make sure he was eating and he wouldn't be all alone. The kids and I travelled up there as many weekends and school vacations that we could. And he would come home as often as he could. Unfortunately, his dad died about 5 months later (this July will be the 2 year anniversary). His parents' house has been on the market for over 18 months, so we've been paying the bills on it for almost the last year. (Close to 20K at this point.)

I mention these events because I don't think he's had time to process all that he's gone through. H has 2 older brothers who both live fairly close to where my in-laws lived. Neither brother has significantly helped out with the estate, they leave all the responsibilities to my H. In fact, the middle brother (who'll be 49 this summer) can barely take care of himself, so my H has stepped in to help him as well. H has said that he is an orphan and all alone, I have reassured him that he is not alone, that he has me and his children. However, those discussions are long gone, now replaced with the new theme of I am the worst wife & mother and have cause him misery over the entire time we've been together. I also don't support him, he's never loved me, I tricked him into marrying me, and I pressured him to get engaged, plus a whole bunch of other things that I find to be either minor issues or complete craziness. (One example is I don't bring him iced tea when he's mowing the lawn. I have when he's asked, but I'm supposed to be a mind reader, too.)

Anyhow, he has his own apartment and I've heard many rumors about OW - eventhough he completely denies it and says that this is all my fault, H has done nothing to get us where we are. I feel like I'm in this awful nightmare and just keep waiting to wake up. I am on AD, see an IC, am taking sleeping pills (I was getting less than 3 hours sleep a night), and have an attorney. Did I mention, I don't want this?? I think our problems are a matter of perspective and after 17 years of marriage, 3 kids, dog, parents dying, work issues, me being a SAHM, etc., etc., etc. - I think it just would be a matter of tweaking to correct what's wrong and then be happy again.

Now I'm being accused of stealing money from our joint account and spending like crazy. He's NUTS!! I know that I didn't leave the house for the month of February (except trying to get the kids to their activities). So I know that my expenses have been quite small. March is a different story, but I know I haven't been going hog-wild either. I've been buying groceries, taking my kids to their activities, and buying things that he's taken for his apartment without telling me they're gone (for instance, I have no iron, ironing board or tools). But you should see his beautiful apartment with new couch, huge TV, Blueray, etc., etc., etc.

OK, I guess I should stop typing now or no one will ever read this. I just would like to add that I have been reading DB & DR and have been trying to remember that time is on my side, but things seem to be progressing very quickly. We haven't even been separated for 2 months yet and he is pushing to be divorced. Any words of wisdom?