Sunday evening we had some nice open conversations, some enjoyable time together and although I hoped to never do it, I backslid a bit. It was so familiar. He returned from his trip with a hand written card expressing his apologies, that I am a good person and don't deserve this treatment, and he hopes that some day I can forgive him.
Monday morning we had a discussion that I appreciate the card and the time we spent together on Sunday evening but that it doesn't change anything. He said he understood and doesn't blame me, but he also doesn't regret anything.
I was home sick yesterday, and out of communication mostly. He was emailing and texting like crazy, which was tough as I was trying to re-establish my boundaries and remain dark.
Last night he took the kids to his moms for her bday, and I stayed home to get my head on straight. He came home quickly and it felt like he was trying to fall back into past behavior (whether he intended to or not)
This morning he was doing the same, in actions and conversations. I felt myself tensing up and realizing this was a dangerous and slippery slope. I needed to get my footing and go very dark. He felt it happening and kept asking "what is wrong" even though I had already explained that nothing had changed and I was still figuring out my future and the boys future.
I mentioned this morning that we should really consider finding a MC sooner rather than later. In my mind, it can be beneficial no matter what happens. We have already agreed that we have 20 plus years and need to coparent amicably.
He said that he is open to MC but doesn't want to give up his IC. I said "i would never want you to"
S17 is home sick today so I am juggling slightly, but I need to get my head together again. I was doing so well and one minor slip really messed with my head.
