taking the time to watch the wave

[BFloat]

quorum - "keep your stick on the ice and go to it!". i really like that. spoken like a true canadian! and it's really what i need to do. keep my head in the game.. don't get called for any penalties.. and maybe.. just maybe.. i'll be able to get a goal in here and there.

bugsy - i think you're very right. it feels as though H has not really looked at things. when we've had our R talks.. he can never pinpoint (or rather he maybe chooses not to) what it is about M that he seems so against. or maybe he's just against me? i don't know.

i am so very tired. 2 trips w/ the kids done. we had friends over on the weekend. of course that was chaotic.. but in a nice sort of way.. and now on my second night shift. i am beat. being a single parent is extremely challenging.

but i'm doing ok. not great. but ok. i sort of bobbled in and out of the water there for a little bit. but the thing that always keeps me going.. is the well being of my little ones.

i have been going as dark as possible w/ H. i just don't want to get into it. i'm tired.. and the emotional roller coaster wears me out!

today i had a phone call from a number i didn't recognize. when i checked my messages.. it was the people from retrouvaille calling to do the phone interview. i was a little thrown off because it's becoming very real.. this weekend. it's 3 weeks away and there is still the chance we won't make it there. also, after all that has happened between us.. i wonder if there's even anything left to repair. H is intent on ending things.. and i am unsure whether i will ever be able to trust or forgive if we chose to R. but i guess that's neither here nor there.

i spoke w/ FIL over the weekend to ask him about watching kids for the weekend of retrouvaille. and FIL is coming by on wednesday to see the kids. i also wanted to speak w/ him about the weekend. actually, i'm not quite sure if i'll say anything. but it'll be nice for the kids to see him.. plus it was his bday today.

today my kids wanted to climb into my lap and cuddle. and i had a chance to tell them both how much i love them. and when their little arms hug back.. it's such a great feeling. when i put the kids to bed last night, D didn't want me to leave. she wrapped her arm around mine and wouldn't let go. so very cute. H is missing out on a lot.

how to GAL this week. cleaning! i am determined to find those darn sliding things that go under the big furniture that makes it magically easy to push things by yourself!! i want to do it all myself rather than relying on H to do it. a 180?