Never leave the bed. I think you should work back towards that. If your wife does not want to sleep with you, she can pick a different spot. You need your strength and sleep to work on saving your marriage.
^^^ I agree with that. I also think that it is just generally bad to leave the marital bed for any reason.
The 37 rules posted by Rick... read them over and over. It is a good set of guidelines to follow as you learn to DB.
Buy and read Divorce Remedy. I'd suggest the chapter on the Last Resort Technique to start.
Sorry that I am cutting straight to my points here PC. Short on time. I am very sorry for what you are going through though. I have been doing this for 16 months now. I understand all too well the pain that you are feeling.
To answer your question as to whether or not any of us have dealt with a depressed spouse... well, in one degree or another, I believe that everyone here has. That's why they become WAS's.
I do see that your W has some very specific issues though. Unfortunately, I don't believe that you can help her right now. She is going to have to work through this herself. You are probably right, she is in rebellion. Anything that you do to try and help her is going to be perceived you trying to control her.
The best thing that you can do is lovingly detach yourself from her, and let her go down the path that she is on. Hopefully, she will come to a point where she realizes that she needs help. If you are still there, maybe she will look to you to help her. But this is going to have to come from her. You cannot force this, nor can you control her thoughts, her feelings, or her choices.
Something that I read here on this board that helped me understand what I wanted to do with my situation, how I wanted to deal with things, and how I wanted to love my W, was the story of the lighthouse. I am reposting it here for you. Maybe it will calm and center you as you embark on this journey.
"The Lighthouse
Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is, that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.
Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.
Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.
All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.
They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'
They are lost to themselves.
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.
You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.
Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
Be the lighthouse."
Hmmm... glad that I actually reread that myself. Good luck PC. Be patient and strong.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
