W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2

[25yearsmlc]

Okay let's brainstorm a bit...maybe the

"As I said, If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently"

and if needed, combine with

"the past is over. I have owned my part & let go of my anger for pain I felt. (that is to make the point that he CAN get past the A and that it's worth trying to rebuild the trust or she won't bother, frankly)...

"I am working on not repeating my mistakes w, so Why not focus on our plan for going into the future, "from this day forward"??


and Snow, at least paint something positive and specific in that plan so she can envision it. "Doing finances together" is important but vague. Can you "plan for/go on a trip she wanted? OR "spend more time together b/c now you won't work Saturdays", etc...(just hypotheticals, but those are details that would appeal to me as a "quality time" love language person. What is her love language anyhow? Whatever it is, try to target those needs. Make sense?


IMO---I'd keep the "lose the OM" speech separate (not saying it a month later, just not at the exact same time)

b/c I think she does need to hear something positive about their future together with some details included...that she can feel good/safe about BEFORE she has to give up on what she sees as her shot at happiness with OM.

Of course OM has to go. Not sure when to say it, but if it's all connected isn't that a bit tactical looking? You say no Bond but hear me out.

Here's what I mean-

In the DB moderator's section they have some "Classics" of posts by people. One that I've posted, here I think, was from a WAW to her LBS. She felt that

her LBH only made noticeable changes in himself, after he learned of her OM.

In their m, he'd been very critical and demeaning and she'd checked out long ago. He wanted her back and could not "grasp" why she would not return since he'd changed, or said he had.

But she feared the only reason her LBH wanted her back at all, was "to win"? Or at least mostly. IF so, he'd revert as soon as she returned.

She felt that way b/c he never bothered much with improving himself or even focussing on himself, until there was an OM in the picture.

I think DB moderators put in the "classics" section b/c it does represent a type of situation we see a lot around here.

And if Snow makes the "LOSE THE OM" speech at the same time as he makes efforts towards improving himself (traits which he agrees need working on anyhow)

then it seems less effective to me than keeping them separate.

For ME, seeing him make a change that is signficant enough for HER to recognize and acknowledge,

would naturally lead to her making a choice.

I thinkk she's mostly well intentioned (to the extent you guys believe that it is even possible) but even so

she'll pause b/c she won't trust Snow's changes.

And if she's just evil and manipulative, then she'll stall longer.

But if given the choice, I'd rather stand for my m a bit too long, than quit a bit too early. Is he risking that much more by trying a bit longer?

Snow you can tell her you are "a work in progress but have already grown from this."

that you are already becoming a better h for whomever you end up with

and you sure hope that's your, w.

As for OM...on one hand, he does have to go, obviously. But there is no reason for her to give him up if she believes you won't ever let it go, & it'll always hang over her head.

That score keeping thing may haunt her/you.

What about saying something like

"I look forward to us being past all this - But I can't share you with OM, so
we need to be on the same page

-- if you feel compelled to be w/OM, then we can part ways now in peace, and do right by our son..."

(I say it's an ultimatum, Bond says it's a boundary, but that may be semantics. Either way she's being asked to choose)

Snow-ONLY SAY THIS stuff If you are fully truly deeply prepared for her to feel cornered, or unimpressed by the new improved you, and her choosing him,

if you are, then so be it.


But also be ready for her to say "okay Snow, let's try" and then

you sure better have a plan for that as well...Like "Okay first off, let's decide TOGETHER if we'll live here or there, and..." so forth.

Make sense?

PS-

Oh and send the dang letter. If it's from the heart, at this point, What do you have to lose?