I'm fairly new to this, though this isn't my first post.
My H sent me a text mssg meant for OW on February 7 and moved out on February 15. That is came as a complete shock to me is an understatement, although we've had our share of problems I just thought we'd get through somehow. At first I did everything I wasn't supposed to do: begged, cried, threatened... you all know. Luckily I found MWD's books and this website, and managed to fairly quickly do some serious 180's.
My H and I have a S4 together, I have no idea where H is staying right now, and I am not asking any questions about that or anything else, I am not making any demands whatsoever, except that he helps out financially for our S. I act upbeat when he comes to see S, I have lost a lot of weight (like most seem to do - by default), I have changed how I dress, I don't say much when he is here (I used to talk his head off), I leave the apt/room when things are still nice between us, I act elusive but happy. What I have found very helpful is to do whatever is counterintuitive: When I feel angry with him (which I frequently do), I respond very, very nicely though with very few words. I don't text or call him unless I absolutely have to (stuff pertaining to S and S's activities), I don't ask about OW, I don't talk about our M. Initially H had a lot of anger towards me, but that seems to have dissipated. Whenever he comes over, the apt is spotless (it used to be rather a mess). I read self-help books (the one I like the most is "The Way of a Pilgrim"). I take my S to family mass on Sundays, I exercise, I play the piano with S, and we go for runs (I run, he bikes), I see friends. I have a job I absolutely love (H hates his and this was always an issue with him - how I loved my job and how miserable he was with his). I should add that he has a lot of issues (molested as a child, depression etc). I too have issues, esp abandonment issues. Well, nobody's perfect, right? I still love him - BUT I DON'T TELL HIM THAT, I promise!
My H is very MLC (I had a phone session with Chuck, one of the DB coaches, who confirmed that). H shows no remorse, no guilt, no feelings for me, but lots of love for S (they are very, very close).
This is all very new to me and I am going through a slew of emotions; from being angry, to being sad, to feeling hopeful. I am careful with whom I speak to (most friends think I should just let him go and move on - they have little or no understanding about MLC). I know this isn't going to be solved overnight, nor in the next weeks or months. H has never been very talkative, and I find that the more passive and silent I am - the more it pushes him to act and talk. Interesting. He doesn't comment on any of my changes, not that I expected he would. Funny thing is, others say to me: "You look great! And you look so happy!" If only they knew... Any more advice from you pros would be GREATLY appreciated. I really try to do DB as best I can. I am so happy I found this place.
