SW your last post was truely touching and a pleasure to read. I can't wait to be in the same mind frame as you...and i feel myself getting there everyday. Although our sitch's are very different - the heartbreak is the same. I know in the end i will be better for all of this regardless of the outcome - and you hit the nail on the head, you can't help someone who won't help themselves.
Through all this i have learned about me and without this i probably wouldn't have.
You always make me smile. I know the direction I am headed, is the map clear or do I know it’s final destination. No, I do not. I am going to continue learning about me and figure out what it is that I need in my life. I have several unanswered questions about myself that I need to figure out before I know exactly where I am headed. I know I am buying a house and moving in the first part of April. Yes, I am very excited and now I can have a garden, paint rooms, make a beautiful room for D12 and hang things on my walls. I will have a garage again and a shed big enough to make a workshop. Those things make me happy and excited. It might not be the big fancy house I had while married but it will be a very nice home for a single dad and his daughter. I haven’t rented in over 18 years and this last year has been hard on a guy that lives for home projects.
Can I tell you what will happen three years down the road? Nope. Can anyone predict where they will be at any given point in the future? I still think about changing several things in my life. I would like to learn how to do things that I have never thought about doing before. I am setting goals for my career, including my five year plan of taking over when my boss retires. I have plenty on my plate and I am not going to dog paddle through life. I am going to swim and lead my life. Does that say I am going to let someone join me down the road? I will know that answer when I feel it’s right for this guy. I still need to get past the if’s in life. They have been hard to deal with at times and sometimes throw me off track. I learn something almost every day about me and life. Do I think I am the man I was 7 years ago? I am a much better version of him at this point.
I am full up this weekend. I am meeting friends tonight for cards. Tomorrow I am fixing one of my old cars, with a buddy in the morning then watching some basketball until 5:00. At 5:00 I was asked if I would cook for our softball teams preseason get together. Then on Sunday I am watching the 500 with another group of friends. I don’t really have many problems GAL!
Enough,
Going through this starts making you look at things with a different outlook on life. Time is your friend. Believe in yourself and stand strong.
I am far from awesome! I like to think of myself as getting a little more seasoned every day.
As soon as I have time I check out your thread!
Thanks for checking out my story.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Everyone will be surprised what they find inside if/when they actually do work on themselves. I love me and I like how free I feel in life. The easy road never leads to anything good in life!
Just an update:
Has anyone ever had the feeling their ex has found this site? I know if she found the site my username would probably give me away. That doesn’t bother me because I am very honest about everything with her. Even the hurtful things, I feel I have nothing to hide. Anyway she said several things that make me feel this way and I was dang near floored with what she said. I know that I have read somewhere that they usually follow you through this journey. I truly feel she is following me, after what she had to say yesterday. I have a lot of empathy for her because I remember how hard I struggled to find the clarity in my heart. When I did I just felt like a great person on top of the world.
A confident intelligent person never doubts the choices they make in life. Before they make that choice they think everything through and work out all the details. I am not saying that we as humans can’t make mistakes because you would be living a really sheltered life if you never made a mistake. You learn from mistakes and then you close that door and never make them again. For the first time in my life this is very important. Let me say I have made plenty of mistakes and those mistakes make you learn more about you when you think them through. I thought I might regret some of the mistakes I have made and honestly I don’t regret them I just don’t want to repeat them. I sometimes wish I would have learned this stuff years ago. Nobody comes out the gate knowing everything about life. They don’t have a manual and we all have to live and learn. The funny part it’s so simple and right in front of you the whole time. Once you take those blinders off you look at life for the very first time.
I don’t know how many of you are country music fans. The song “Better Than I used to be” by Tim McGraw has really hit home for me lately. Here are the lyrics.
I know how to hold a grudge I can send a bridge up in smoke And I can't count the people I've let down The hearts I've broke You ain't gotta dig too deep If you wanna find some dirt on me But I'm learning who you've been Ain't who you've got to be It's gonna be an uphill climb Aww honey I won't lie
I ain't no angel I still got a few more dances with the devil I'm cleanin up my act, little by little I'm getting there I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see I ain't as good as I'm gonna get But I'm better than I used to be
I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground Got a few old habits left But there's one or two I might need you to help me get Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust But put some faith in me And someday you'll see There's a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel I still got a few more dances with the devil I'm cleanin up my act, little by little I'm getting there I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see I ain't as good as I'm gonna get But I'm better than I used to be
I ain't no angel I still got a few more dances with the devil But I'm cleanin up my act, little by little I'm getting there I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see I ain't as good as I'm gonna get But I'm better than I used to be
Funny how this song should fit most of the folks going through challenges in life. Keep digging and find what you are looking for in life.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
It’s been a couple weeks so I thought I might as well give an update.
My ex and I have been talking through some of the issues of the past. I can see that she is progressing, yet not even close to the end of her journey. I decided to remove myself from her drama and continue on my journey. I thought for a few days that she was seeing the light then I realized she is still blaming anyone she can on her problems. Especially me when she feels the need. She continues to lie about many things and anything just to try and justify her actions. I decided that I wasn’t going to hold anything back with her anymore. She asked me who I thought was more mature between the two of us and I told her that I feel I have been. I told her that this is her MLC and she has become a very selfish person that was literally hard to deal with these days. She told me that she was the opposite of selfish, so I went ahead and pointed out all the new expensive clothes, expensive trips, wanting a new hot mustang, and her new 18 year old party girl life style. She kind of got a little upset with me and I didn’t care anymore. She told me again that she wanted to date the guy that I mentioned was a complete train wreck and I told her I wasn’t getting in her way. She told me that I was the reason that he didn’t date her a while back. I told her that I didn’t do anything to stop that and she just kept blaming me over and over. Then she had the nerve to tell me to look at how long my car had been parked in front of her house. I started laughing and reminded her that she was the one that wanted to talk to me. She is still upset her dad calls me and we talk, she still thinks we talk only about her and how bad she is behaving. Honestly we talk about hunting, motorcycles, home projects and things men like in life. I told her flat out that over the years her dad and I became friends and he and I will remain friends probably forever. I did the best I could with what I was working with and said I was done. I just get a little tired of trying to be the better person in this mess and not receiving the same in return. Maybe that was the wrong way to deal with all of this but I just have had enough of the drama. Most of this happened Sunday night.
What I wrote above brings me to this part. I met up with a woman that I hadn’t seen in about 30 years a couple weeks ago and we talked for quite a while. She made it very clear she was interested in dating me and I was honest and said that I didn’t think now was a good time to start dating anyone. I told her that I would rather be friends and explained that through the divorce I had built some type of crust that wouldn’t allow me to give anything to a relationship at this point. She seemed to understand and said she would give me all the space and time I needed and when I get to a different point and we are both available we could see what happens. She even told me that she went through something very similar when she got divorced. During this time my oldest D was hospitalized and had to have surgery for her gallbladder. The ex and I were at the hospital and she asked me to go have lunch while my D was resting and we needed to make a plan for our granddaughter. We had lunch made a plan and nothing else. As it turns out the ex and this lady have a mutual friend in common that likes to stir up drama. The woman from the past asked me yesterday morning if I was dating my ex, because someone seen me out to eat with her the other day. It was 2:00 in the afternoon not very busy and I didn’t know one person in there. I didn’t put two and two together at first then remembered the lunch and the mutual friend. I am not sure what has been said between the three of them but I am sure that it has been taken completely out of context. I am not really worried about what they all have dreamt up because I know the truth and have been very honest.
So that brings me to where I am today. I am going to live my life and if I do decide I want to date someone I am going to date that person. I do have my days when I really want to connect with someone on an emotional level different than just friends and I also know that I won’t hurt someone because I am not capable of putting 100% into a relationship. Been there done that, so why bother wasting time. Something that I noticed and maybe it’s just me but I didn’t feel any attraction to the lady from my past. The best I remember before I was married, that I had butterflies in my stomach or felt some type of spark when I wanted to date someone. That never happened and I never felt any connection other than remembering old friends from a different time in my life. Sometimes I think that I put too much thought into life and that will be my downfall. Then I think I want someone on the same page as me in life and that’s my future goal. I also feel, if and when I do feel that butterfly or spark, I will pursue a relationship with that person. I also don’t fear being alone, I found out early on that there are plenty of guys out there, that are not capable of providing what I can in a relationship. I have seen the needy and desperate and they make a good person run the other direction. Funny thing, didn’t we all learn that in the list of 37 things not to do in a relationship? The things we learn in life! I have plenty on my plate with the new house and my kids to keep me busy for a while.
Take care everyone!
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
I thought the 37 rules were a defense against ourselves being too sucked into what our WAS was doing to us;
I think some might apply in a normal, new relationship. But some might not!
I hope you find someone who you can date and be happy and comfortable with. I think the hardest part for me would be just all the history of how 'we' always did things. More comunication will be essential.
You will find someone to fill that spot in your life, and I bet it happens when you least expect it!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Of course you know Sem, the conversation you had was probably neither harmful nor helpful to the sitch... but... at least you told her how you felt (in the moment) rather than keeping it bottled in. Maybe she "got it" and maybe she didn't, but if it helped you to get it out... great...
It is interesting how they rationalize. My W (who may or may not be MLC) got a new car when we split. I admit, she needed one. She got it from her mom and it was a sporty little "young number" that (honestly, in my opinion) did not suit her. But... she was happy and her rationale was that she needed a new car, it was in good shape and it was cheap, because she bought it from her mom... and not because she might be MLC and buying a car that she thought suited her "youthful lifestyle" she had chosen.
The point to the above is, (an accident, which probably messed up the frame) and a year later, my W has a new car... if there's any indicator that a MLCer transitions through the stages in life during their MLC, this could be it... she bought what most certainly could be a van... something that someone who is starting a new family, with young kids but still an active lifestyle might purchase... her rationale is, her (now) old car was horrible on the roads and this new vehicle actually cost her nothing (because she managed to do an even trade)... of course, in the language of trade in value, she is still down due to the depreciation of her car over the last year...
So what point am I trying to make? I guess I'm just really saying that yes, they can and will rationalize to say they're making good choices. If we were living in their world, we might do the same, with or without having MLC. I have a new (old luxury) car which I have many rationalizations for purchasing.
I hope that you are in a good place and able to have vented... and let those things go...
It does sound like you are in a good head space right now, though. And from what I've seen (but can't confirm) is that those who are post D actually DO get that "spark", so I'd suspect that will happen for you, as well... although you don't have to wait for the spark to at least go out on dates and practice your social skills...
Let me explain what I was trying to get at with my last post. I felt that the lady from my past came off as a person that really needed someone to take care of her in life and that made her unattractive. She over pursued me at first and only backed off when I explained my position. After what I thought we both had agreed on, she became upset that I possibly was dating my ex. I did not commit or tell this person that I would date them exclusively I set my position as not ready to date anyone. I may have viewed her in a different light just because where I am at in life. When I think about what I want in a new relationship I want someone that doesn’t need me to take care of them, is not looking for a checkbook, makes their children priority number one and has similar interests as me in life. I am a simple person that knows I can make it on my own and when the time is right, I feel I will get those feelings for someone again. I see things so differently now that I will never settle for someone that is desperate or needy. That makes that person to me look very unattractive. I look at being single in a different light today. I came here to save my marriage and keep my family together. I was not successful in saving my marriage and that was made by someone else’s choice’s in life, not mine. I can’t control anyone and the choices people make might not be the choices that I wanted them to make but they made their choices for them and that’s what they needed at this point in their life. I don’t have to like the choices anyone makes in life, all I need to do is make choices that make me feel good at the end of the day. I know I am not ready to jump in and start dating. I tried the dating thing right after the divorce and I broke a woman’s heart because I just wasn’t ready. All of us on this board know exactly how that feels and I just can’t bring myself to hurt anyone like that by being an uncaring person. You know the only thing I got out of the dating thing was a lesson learned. I learned that a normal person can’t end an 18 year marriage and fix all of your problems running to someone else. I think dating someone new would be wonderful as long as you think everything out and make sure you and that person are on the same page. Time is the only thing that can heal any of us in the situation we have been dealt and I don’t think enough time has gone by for me yet. I am the only one that needs to make that choice for me and when I feel the time is right I will test those waters. Something that has bothered me about the dating thing all along is my daughters. I hate the thought that I am going to hurt them by bringing someone new into the picture. I am probably closer than I have ever been with my kids and I don’t want to bring them anymore hurt. Maybe that is something I need to work out in my head and when I figure out that issue I might have a different prospective on dating.
As far as the choices my ex is making in life, those are the things she will have to live with and it’s really not my problem anymore. I look at it like this my ex is making choices on what she thinks is best for her and we all need to make choices for ourselves and not worry about something we can’t control. We all have a brain and we all need to look inside every now and then and look at the big picture. The choices our ex’s make shouldn’t control us in any way. They all have to fight their own demons.
Hope that makes some sense.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
I've just read your most recent posts. I enjoy reading them. You are a very wise and down to earth man. You see the big picture and have such a good perspective as well. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings. REading other's perspectives really can help change our own outlooks on our situations.
I want to tell you how much I appreciate a man that is thinking of their childrens thoughts, and feelings in regards to bringing in a new girlfriend when you feel you might be ready to get involved with someone again. See my stbx MLCer was NOT considerate of our girls feelings in regards to them meeting the OW. The girls were absolutely crushed that he left and took up living with another woman so quickly. They had just started getting used to seeing him in hiw own apartment, and then BOOM here comes the OW. They refused to spend the night with him for 3 months because they were so hurt by it. He placed all the blame on me, and thought I had poisoned their thoughts against him, but of course I didn't. Our girls are 9 and 12, old enough to know they have a mom and a dad and no one else ever entered the picture till now. The fact that Dad bounced out of here and replaced me with a blink of an eye was devastating to them. I think he finally figured that out.
My biggest concern out of this separation/divorce/mlc was for the well being of my girls. As far as I was concerned their thoughts and feelings mattered, and I encouraged them to have their voices heard. This wasn't all about mom and dad and their issues, and they must take whatever is dished out in a divorce or custody hearing. We were a unit once, and their feelings always were considered when making family decisions.
I never had a positive male role model in my life, but the relationship between a father and a daughter is very special. It is through their father's they learn how they should be treated by men. You are respecting your daughters by your actions.
You mentioned in an earlier post if anyone ever suspected if our X's could be following us on this site. I've wondered a few times myself. Back in the summer I gave this website to stbx because it described all the things he said he was going through in regards to wanting to leave us. So he knows where this exisits. I didn't start posting till about 2-3 months later after giving him the address. What made me wonder if he was reading it is his verbiage in regards to a few things. When he was blaming me for many things, he told me to stand back and see what "role I played" in him not being able to pay me child support.
Now, it's almost like he's trying to DB me some days....almost like Im the WAS now and he's the LBS. GALing, being positive, cheerful, nice, helpful, smiling, communicating....a complete 180 of what he was a year ago, even months ago. Believe me it got my attention! This is the hardest part of it all....is letting that wonderful part of him that I missed so much finally resurface, but let him go forever. I marvel at your patience and ability to still have important talks with your XW. Im still in the phases of detatchment, which goes 2 steps forward, 3 steps back for me at times, but Im getting better!
