Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[Accuray]

I had the same problem -- W's main complaint was "lack of quality time and connection" so detaching and giving space seemed to fly in the face of making things better.

First, "giving space" doesn't need to mean "aloof and distant", it can also mean "pleasant and independent" -- that's really what you're going for. Think of it like applying a "friend standard" -- what level of intimacy do you expect from your friends at work? You probably don't expect them to kiss or hug you. When you try to engage them and they're not interested, you don't care that much. It's like "hey, I'm going to get a cup of coffee, do you want to go?" If they say "no", you go anyway and don't give it a second thought. There is no reason for them to feel guilty for not joining you. That's the space you want to give -- there is no reason to feel guilty for not engaging with you. You have no expectations about things you're "owed" or what your friend "should do for you".

Does that distinction make sense?

You need W to "see" a future with you where you are a fun, strong, independent person who's going to add more to her life than you detract. There is *nothing* you can do to paint that picture with words, you can only demonstrate it with actions, and those actions need to be repeated again and again and again. It's like retraining. If you teach your dog to "speak" and give him a treat when he does, you may find that his barking becomes annoying. If you now just don't give him a treat you haven't retrained him, he views it as an exception to the rule. Only through never rewarding barking again and instead rewarding other behaviors do you change the dog's perception of your relationship.

Although you felt your first post was long, it wasn't long enough. More details are better. Here are some things to think about and maybe post about:

1) What patterns have defined your marriage, both good and bad?

2) What initially brought you together?

3) What do you have in common?

4) What makes you individuals in your marriage?

5) What do you respect most about each other?

6) If you envision your future with W, what does it look like?

Your expectations right now are your worst enemy. You will expect that whatever you "do" to improve the situation should make things better on some "reasonable" timeline. Unfortunately, your actions will have less impact than you expect for far longer than you would like. Expect that there are no guarantees. Expect that W owes you nothing and may choose not to engage. Expect that whatever effort you put into improving yourself will pay off in one way or another, either with W or without her.

Accuray