Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

I have some questions, if you don't mind. First, why do you think she's having a MLC?

That is based my observation of her rather spontaneous decision to return to school after years of being a SAHM. Maybe I don't have my terms right, I'm not 100% about MLC vs. WAW yet.

Second, why didn't you go to a doctor way back when you first started having the depression? Why did it take her dropping the bomb before you took action to get better? Within two weeks you can already tell a difference in your feelings! I bet that could tick your W off, except for one reason.....she's done with it.

Depression, for me, is a numbing monster. It isn't obvious to me from the inside that it is occurring. It's not feeling sad, it's not feeling.
I did make some half-hearted attempts. I spent 8 hrs over a couple days trying to get an appointment that takes my insurance. Without belaboring the details, it didn't pan out and my demons told me it didn't matter anyway.

I have no idea why the bomb motivated me. Desperation, shock, or trauma I suppose.

Why were the two of you seeing a therapist 2.5 yrs ago and then ten years ago? Was it your W who wanted you to see somebody? Did she feel the M improved afterward?

In hindsight, the reason had to do with her passive aggressive behavior over our friction over her perceived imbalance in the household chores, including general tasks for taking care of the kids (e.g., making lunches). I found this peculiar as I've spent most of our M freeing her of obligations (e.g., hiring someone to clean the house regularly, doing all the cooking, doing the bulk of the dishes to just be able to cook, etc).

In other words, I thought there was a balance where I was doing 50% of the chores while going to school full time and simultaneously working part-time, while she had no job or other responsibilities. I definitely felt and still feel an utter lack of gratitude for my contributions, as if I'm reduced to a nuisance (e.g., sex, interaction) or a convenience (e.g., do her chores for her).

I'm a bit surprised to find myself feeling some anger and resentment about that situation as I type this out.

...You've made the first step by getting medication. Now listen, do not stop taking your meds when you start feeling better. It is very important to stay on them b/c you've been this way for years and you may have to take AD from now on.....but so what? If that's what it takes, then do it. Your family will appreciate it! I'm sure it has not been a picnic living with you.

Thanks, certainly good advice...30 days with no drinking, I've been exercising, meds are clearly effective for me, getting out with friends, and performing nearly all the household tasks (which actually makes me feel good rather than resentful).

You need to read Michele's article on the home page here, the WAW Syndrome. It sounds similar to MLC. One things for sure.....she has walked away in her heart.

Will do. And yes, she has walked away.
I'm also realizing over the past few days, regardless of my very real blame for this, is the fact that this worsened considerably when she started taking phentermine. A side effect of that is emotional detachment. I don't' know, I'm probably grasping at straws.

Please post every day b/c that will build up your support system here on the site.

I think I needed to hear that, thank you.